The gift-giving season is here and will undoubtedly end leave you with a lot of giftcards to mom discount stores like T.J. Maxx you’ll never use. To quell this worry, The Black Sheep has put together a default list you can give to your parents, Santa Claus, or ROC the Great One in order to get the things we all really want this holiday season.
10.) A good basketball team:
After the season of disappointment and tragedy with Pitt football, we cannot take another team promising big things only to land in the sad spot directly in the middle of the ACC rankings. We will accept nothing but a good record and the golden invitation to March Madness.
9.) Working Posvar Escalators:
A few years ago Pitt installed the wonderment that is the movable staircase. For weeks both the lazy community and in the physically injured community enjoyed them. However, after a few weeks of pure, escalating bliss, they turned back into stairs like Cinderella at midnight. Today they are only enjoyed by the sick fucks who like walking up stairs.
8.) Underground Tunnels:
In the wake of a -40 degree day in January last year, we’ve all learned the evils of the wind blowing down the air tunnels of Forbes and Fifth. On top of the university’s refusal to cancel classes even on the snowiest of days, we wish for an underground heated tunnel system. It’s the perfect remedy for the getting students to show up to class when it’s -20 degrees out, with 4 feet of snow, 30 mph winds, and the trek to class is uphill both ways.
For some reason Pitt decided to be a Pepsi campus, when we could have been a Coke campus. You know who drinks Pepsi? Teen moms and carnies, that’s who. Bring us our Coke back.
6.) More 10Bs:
10As are lovely contraptions, but sometimes you’d rather have a big ol’ heated and cushioned seat to plop down in after a night of studying. The 10B supplies a beautifully luxurious 5-minute ride straight to the front door of your upper campus-housing establishment. Please, add at least one more 10B. Steal one from the Biotech Center, no one goes there anyway.
5.) Stall in Hillman bathrooms:
Shout out to all the guys out there who know the pain of having to walk up and down all four levels of Hillman in order to find that one stall and expel the hellish storm of Taco Bell and Starbucks brewing down below. Before it’s too late and someone shits all over the stairs, let’s get another bathroom installed.
4.) Upperclassman get free Market swipes:
“Hey man, uh you got any swipes left?” Like crack addicts, off-campus residents hound their little freshman counterparts for Market swipes. We wish for a one-day-free swipe in to market. Think about it, one day for the students of off-campus housing to not be forced to cook for themselves and be real people.
3.) A panda:
We’ve got dogs to pet to calm us down, we have a leashed massive rabbit named Suitcase to nibble on carrots in front of us to make us laugh, but we’re getting bored of this. Solution: A fully-grown, live panda. They’re chill as hell, and they just eat leaves, and we already have the leaves to feed it with — just use the stale lettuce from Market’s “salad bar.”
2.) A one night Mi Ranch return:
Picture this: the beloved hellscape located on Atwood Street in South Oakland gets reborn for one night of debauchery. Enjoy the ease at which the bouncers look at your IDs, the confusion of what mixture of body fluid and alcohol is making your shoes stick to the dance floor, and the Darwinesque fight to get a drink at the bar. Let us purge ourselves of our decency and revel in one night of mayhem.
Finals week is a big bastard. You’ve been preparing your body for this kind of abuse since that first Friday after syllabus week, when you had four tests and a paper in the same day. Controlled deep breaths can only help you cope for so long. You’re going to need something else to get you through the six day session (yes finals happen on Saturday) of voluntary hell: Lube. Lube up like the Pittsburgh Zookeeper on elephant colonoscopy day and get it over with.