It’s the first week on campus for thousands of students and meeting new people has never been as exciting or frightening in their lifetime. Ask that kid shaking in his room across the hall! He was excited to meet his roommate until he came home one night to find him chewing on his underwear. This list of ten people you’ll meet at UIUC will help you prepare for these encounters and avoid being like Frightened Freddie over there sucking on his thumb.
10.) The “Popular” Girl: Spotting this girl is a breeze because she’s the one dressed up for the first day of school. Her hometown is Bumblefuck, Illinois and she firmly believes that every conversation should start off with a story about her small-town life. As annoying as she may be, you can be assured that 40,000+ other “special snowflakes” at UIUC will knock her down a few pegs.
9.) The Floormates: Choosing your roommate seemed like the most frightening thing about college, until you realized you couldn’t choose your neighbors. Floormates are a huge gamble – you may end up meeting your best friend or just the creepy kid who watches you shower from the mirror. Either way, you’ll have to learn how to deal with them as much as your roommate.
8.) The Big Ten Athlete: Even if they’re second string, you’re bound to be a little star struck seeing an athlete on your first day. But after attending at least one Illini football game, you’ll see them as the same meathead jocks from high school, just with fancier uniforms. And with their attendance as shitty as their on-field performance, it’s best you keep your lecture notes to yourself.
7.) The International Kid: It’s damn-near impossible to not run into at least one international student on Quad Day. While it may take time to cozy up to them, they truly are the spice of academics at Illinois. If you’re looking to expand your horizons beyond the cornfields, we suggest befriending someone from beyond the good ole’ U S of A.
6.) The Pre-Med: Other names: The Study Freak, The Library Rat, and The 12-Year Plan. Usually the pre-med has life and college “all figured out.” Their schedule is already planned through senior year and they started their medical school applications during high school. They may seem intimidating, but wait to see how composed they look after two semesters of Orgo 101 and Physics 101.
5.) The Legacy: Whether it’s a male or female, the legacy is ready to take on rush. While other pathetic freshmen fear the Greeks and their mysterious system of membership, the legacy knows the ins and outs of each house and exactly what they’re gunning for come rush week. Legacies remain assholes beyond their college years, so get use to putting up with them for a while.
4.) The Business Major: Hint: They go out on Thursday nights. Business majors dazzle students and faculty alike with their fancy suits and accounting classes but deep down, they know they chose their major for the party rights. Business is about as vague of a major as you can get at UIUC, which leaves a lot of wiggle room for drunken weekday karaoke at White Ho.
3.) The Victory Lapper: Their five years of college experience may seem intriguing and wise at first; however, after a few weeks, it’s apparent that super seniors just have difficulty leaving the party. College may be the best years of your life, but overspending tens of thousands of dollars certainly isn’t.
2.) The Hot Mess: Unfortunately for women, it’s easier to spot the female version of the hot mess. Her room is already a disaster despite moving in only a few days ago, her hand is stained with at least two stamps from Joe’s and Kam’s, and her mascara makes her look like a crying raccoon. While the male version does exist, it’s often hard to distinguish between The Lazy Frat Guy and Typical Male Senior.
1.) The Know-It-All: Not only does this person have an older sibling at the university but they’ve also been coming to UIUC since they were in diapers. They volunteered to teach their own freshmen class “Hail to the Orange” and consistently lecture others about the severity of entering the Morrow Plots. Eventually, they will become a UIUC tour guide and you’ll silently laugh to yourself as they trip walking backwards up the steps of Foellinger.