Graduation is closing in and all the unprepared seniors are being thrust into adulthood and the search for a job. As if that wasn’t hard enough, imagine how hard it is for local celeb, and soon to be Madison graduate, David Hookstead, who released quite the controversial little piece his junior year. His infamous celebrity-ism could be a slight hindrance in his post-grad job search, but luckily The Black Sheep loves an underdog and is here to make a few occupational suggestions for Madison’s black sheep (ha, get it?).
10.) Women’s Studies Teacher: Dude, Hookie Steadfast would slay this position! All these classes are about females in history and women’s suffrage and whatnot. Hookman could offer a different perspective on the whole female empowerment thing.
9.) Political Something or Other: Hookstead has already been involved in a scandal revolving around a revelation of his controversial ideology. That’s basically the initiation process to be a politician. Perhaps in a few years #Hookstead2016 will be trending.
8.) Professional Graduation Speaker: From Pastry School to Harvard Grad School, Hookie could make a career out of speaking at graduations if his surprise spring commencement speech following Katie Couric is successful. Crap, we weren’t supposed to mention that. And holding down backspace is so much work. Just don’t tell anyone. Okay? Cool.
7.) Partner Up With Tunnel Bob: Tunnel Bob loves hanging out with young college students, and young college graduates aren’t really that different. Hookmonster could really make bank giving tours with the also infamous Tunnel Bob in those mysterious steam tunnels of Madison. He’s already good at dealing with the heat of the haters, so how hurtful can 120 degree steam be?
6.) A Transformer: What better job for the cheap Hooker than one that allows him to be any Chevy vehicle that he wants! Those pesky youths throwing used condoms at Mr. Hook no longer pose a problem when he can simply turn into a fucking semi and chill out in a Wal-Mart parking lot instead.
5.) Applebee’s Ad Man: Anyone can be an ad man for Applebee’s. The prices are so low the food basically sells itself! Seriously, Sweet Chile Brisket Sliders for only $8.00! Those prices are criminal!
4.) Super Senior: It’ll give Dave-a Flav an extra year to get his shit together and find someone who wants them on his team. It’s only temporary, but it’s better than unemployment. Plus he’ll have more time to write offensive letters to the editors.
3.) Public Access TV Star: Davey Hookstead is known all over Madison, so it makes sense for him to simply stay here and star in his own TV show on public access. Who wouldn’t want to watch D.H. run on a treadmill while trying to carve a pumpkin? That’s just good television.
2.) McDonald’s: Nobody cares who you are when you work at McDonald’s. As long as you can be a cashier and take those sick, little McNuggets out of those warming trays, you can believe whatever you want. A man running from his past can always find solace at McDonald’s.
1.) Controversial Article Writer: A wise man once said, “Stick to what you know best,” and writing controversial letters to the editor is what Dave Dude is really good at. Religion, guns, homosexuality, there really isn’t anything Davemeister couldn’t talk about. The world is his scandalous oyster!