College is chock full of cheap beer, dating down, and inevitable theme parties. You pretend to enjoy yourself as you’re dressed in neon clothing like a goddamn idiot, but let’s be honest—you’re having a terrible time. It’s not as if you really needed an excuse to skip a theme party, but just in case, here’s a list of solid reasons. Next time, skip the party where you dress up like an American flag and go somewhere else, with your self-respect intact.
10.) Parties already have a theme: It’s called “party.” Having a ‘Merica-themed party in November just means you’re a dumbass who doesn’t know when Independence Day is. Fun fact: that’s what the 4th of July is actually called.
9.) It’s not Halloween: “In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it” –Cady Heron. However, if you’re wearing coconuts on your boobs for a luau party, the same grace is not extended… you slut.
8.) No, you’re not original: “OMG, an ‘80s party!” Nope, had a whole decade of that. “Holy Shit, an ‘80s v. ‘90s party!” Still no—now you have 20 years to conform to. Try this: “Fuck me sideways! A 2015 party, now that’s just down right logical.” Damn straight it is.
7.) No one actually does the theme: Who knew when they said middle school party, they only meant the music? NOT YOU. Thank God you look cute wearing an Aeropostale polo, jean skirt, and heavy under-eye eyeliner. Plus it’s like every guy’s fantasy to hook up with an angsty 13-year-old, right?
6.) You have to go buy shit: So you just spent $7 on a plain, white T for that highlighter party. Makes sense—you wouldn’t wanna ruin your nice, white V-neck with all those pictures of penises. Of course you won’t even be at the party long enough to get drawn on, because as stated, theme parties are terrible and you’re gonna want to get the hell out of there.
5.) ‘Tis not the season for swimsuits and togas: In Madison, there’s this time called winter, which runs from early October thru late June. It’s similar to living in Siberia or an eternal blizzard. Point being: ancient Greece was hot, but unless you want to have bright red ass cheeks for days, don’t wear a toga in January.
4.) It’s more theme than actual party: All you want to do is get drunk, and now they’re making you join their sewing circle. Yep, you’ve been invited to an ABC party (anything but clothes)—what a goddamn waste of time. Have fun fiddling with newspaper and twist ties for 6 hours. Meanwhile we’ll already be halfway under the table at our “Party” party.
3.) You leave the theme party, but the theme doesn’t leave you: The fact that Frozen-themed parties are still happening means that they will suck and you will leave. But now you’re at Ian’s Pizza wearing your big sister’s old ice-skating leotard trying to be Elsa. But really you look like a coked out, homeless Ke$ha. Not cute. And you shouting, “I was at Frozen party” to everyone you meet is not helping your situation, you deranged drunk.
2.) It will never be better than that party you didn’t go to: Remember last year when you had to write a paper on Saturday night, but all your so-called friends went to that sports jersey party that they still talk about? Yeah, they’re full of shit. The party is never as good as people try to make it sound. Make no mistake—the more people talk about a theme party, the worse it actually was.
1.) Same shitty beer and even shittier music: On top of looking like a dumbass, you also have to listen to terrible music all night. Maybe it’s the same top 40 all night or maybe it’s a Duran Duran and Wham! jam session at that innovative ‘80s party you were so excited for earlier. Either way, that Keystone Light hangover is going to hit hard in the morning.
So you might as well stay in with Netflix and have your own theme party. Say, “high school cliques?” That way you can get drunk alone off of UV Blue and cry your loner self to sleep—just like the good old days.