If you’re reading this while you’re alone in your dorm, or apartment, or box and taking a break from doing your “coursework,” then we’d like to congratulate you on not having the devil’s disease, the mumps. However, we doubt you realize that there are things going on in your life that are worse than having epidemic parotitis (that’s the mumps for you LAS students). So let’s take a look at the Top Ten Things at UIUC worse than the mumps:
10.) Wearing White After Labor Day:
Don’t do it. Please don’t do it. You’ll have more fun with meningitis from the mumps than performing this fashion faux pas (that’s pronounced “foe paw!” The more you know!).
9.) Losing a Pickup Basketball Game at CRCE:
It’s ok, man. Just kidding, it’s not. If you can’t beat a bunch of engineers just trying to get in a quick workout between trips to the Grainger Library and playing Clash of Clans, then you’re probably better off just having the mumps. Just please make sure that John Groce isn’t there scouting you while you’re being a “baller.”
8.) Owning Cargo Shorts:
Lots of pockets? Yes. Lots of dignity? Probably not. So basically it’s the mumps with pockets.
7.) Getting a Phone Call Telling You to End Sorority Rush:
Get this phone call and suddenly comes the realization that you don’t get to join a cult. Get the mumps and suddenly you’re in a really exclusively cult! I’m sure they’d put you in your own house and give you a lot of other “amenities”…
6.) Having to Decide to Eat Breakfast at McDonald’s When It’s Lunchtime:
The struggle is becoming more and more real. Now that you can get breakfast anytime at McDonald’s, you have to decide if you want to feel sick from a McMuffin or a McDouble during lunch. The end result will feel like the mumps, but with the mumps you don’t have to make this grueling decision.
5.) Not Understanding the Bus System:
Get on the wrong bus and suddenly you’re at the Savoy Wal-Mart shopping for ramen and a trampoline. Don’t be that freshman. Just get the mumps.
4.) Using a Shake Weight:
This is like basically a workout faux pas (that’s pronounced “foe paw!” The more you know!) Actually, though, the embarrassment that you’d have from using a Shake Weight at the ARC would absolutely feel worse than the mumps.
3.) Actually Needing to Go to McKinley Health Center:
Let’s be hypothetical. You screwed up, didn’t get your booster, and now you have the mumps. Sucks to be you. But now you actually need medical assistance so you go to McKinley. Awwww, they told you to just put ice on it and use a condom. We’d rather have the mumps.
2.) Living in Taft-Van Doren:
Living in Taft-Van Doren is actually a lot more like having the mumps than you thought, if not worse. You see, both will make you sweat, experience loss of appetite, muscle ache, and feel like less of yourself. Except, the mumps won’t last for nine months, TVD will…
1.) Having Ebola:
It never happened to anyone on campus, but like it’d be worse than the mumps. Maybe the mumps aren’t so bad after all…