Though it would make much more sense if housing applications were due on the last day of the semester, Clemson doesn’t allow those of us trapped with room-monsters a graceful exit. Instead, Clemson housing abandons its hardworking students to live for two excruciatingly awkward months with the same roommate, post-break up. That’s why roommate breakups must be handled subtly, with finesse and skill unknown to your standard relationship overhaul. Here are 10 ways how.
10.) Musical Passion: Learn to play a musical instrument, such as the bongos or kazoo. Tell your roommate enthusiastically of your post-graduation plans to join your cousins in Mexico; they have a street-performing mariachi band, and they’re looking for another member.
9.) Orthodoxy: Have a sudden and extreme religious conversion and urge your roommate to do the same. No more alcohol, intercourse, profanity, and you really do have to put your foot down on the kind of clothing they’ve been wearing lately.
8.) Apocalypse Planning: Tell your roommate of strange dreams you’ve been having about being trapped in a room– this room, with them– during the apocalypse, running out of food. Start sleepwalking and rummage through their secret snack cupboard every night, eating everything from the year-old Pop-Tarts to the special pot of queso dip reserved for Sunday night movie dates with their boyfriend.
7.) New Language Skills: Make dinosaur noises into your phone every night and say you’re talking to your little cousins, because that’s the only way they communicate. There are twelve of them, recently orphaned, so they’ll be coming to stay with you next year.
6.) Flatulence: Start farting every time you pass by your roommates. Induce your flatulence any way you can—for men it might be simple, having acquired such skills many years ago in elementary school. Ladies, don’t worry: Paw Mart’s new range of hummus flavors has you covered.
5.) Secret Agent: Follow the roomies around campus for a day, ninja-jumping behind the plentiful foliage whenever they turn around. Take extra care to discover their favorite on-campus bathrooms. Lurk.
4.) Animal Shelter: Gather stray cats from around campus and bring them home. Store the cats in boxes you find at the post office (with air holes poked of course), stacked in your closet, and ask your roommate for some closet space when you run out. Insist on feeding them only the freshest Lake Hartwell fish.
3.) Undying Devotion: Sprinkle candy hearts on their bed every day for a month and leave home-crafted, forlorn love letters complete with stick drawings under their pillow. Arrange heart-shaped cardboard cutout bouquets on their desk. Watch them while they sleep and ask if they need anything every time they open their eyes.
2.) Practice for the Future: Order progressively larger models of the human skeleton until you reach life-size and practice taking them apart with various instruments—suggestions include pliers and sledge hammers.
1.) Maturity: Schedule a time to sit down and talk with them. Impress upon them that you are both mature adults and should be open with each other and talk through things, that petty fights and pranks are beneath you now. Inform them that you are now a pansexual.