Are you poor? Do you love free things? If you said “No, I hate freebies!” then you, good sir or madame, are a liar. Everyone loves free stuff from free drinks to free Laker-wear to free hotel lamps. With this top 10, you’ll find out the best methods for gettin’ yourself some free things at Grand Valley.
10.) Pretend to Enjoy Student Life:
We all know that the more student events you go to, the more free stuff you get. So whether it’s Meijer Mania, Campus Life Night, or some dumb club you signed up for to get free food, it’s the first step to the free stuff.
Be careful though, Greek life likes to disguise their “free food” with required donations to their selected organization. Pah!
9.) Pretend to Be Foreign:
Now, this isn’t racist or anything, but if you pretend to not understand anything, and speak in a made up language, campus workers are less likely to stop you. For example: get in line at Panda Express and when you get to paying, just make some odd noise, smile, nod, and walk off with your free meal. Seriously, who’s gonna stop you?
8.) Be an RA:
Hey, you may not think this could be fun, but there is free room and board. Along with that, all that stuff that the school “tells you to confiscate” is now yours! So stock up on booze, fairy lights, and whatever else you can convince a freshman is “against school rules.”
7.) Sell Your Body:
But not really, cuz that’s bad. But get them to THINK you’re going to sell your body. Once you’ve got them where you want them….hoof them in the front butt, take their wallet, and get the hell out of there.
You would be surprised by how many things people keep in their pockets: phones, wallets, tater tots, headphones…it’s like a shopping mall that you don’t know what you’re going to get and if you’re caught, you could go to jail. What fun!
Who knows, maybe somebody threw out a phone! Some students even toss out perfectly good couches and half-full Red Bulls! Or better yet, steal all of the recycled bottles on campus so you can get the bottle deposit instead. Ten cents can go a long way.
4.) Sell Indulgences:
With being in the Bible belt of Michigan, there has to be some church-goers that are concerned about their spot in Heaven. Stand in one of the free speech zones and sell people their spots in Heaven. Bring your collection plate!
3.) Sign Up For Welfare:
We’re all at the poverty line, we get it. Tell the Financial Aid office that you’re going on government aid to see if they’ll give you a free class or seven. Sign up for those food stamps and a Bridge card quick so you’ll never have make the $200 trip to Meijer again!
2.) Make a Fake Charity:
Everybody likes to give to charity so they can get tax write-offs and feel better about themselves. So why not make one? Have donations open to anything so you could win a couch, or a house, or some pennies. With how charitable the GVSU alumni are, you could even get a new overpriced science building!
1.) Flash Yo’ Genitals:
Let’s get Mardi Gras up in this bitch! Go around flashing your manhood/womanhood and anything those people drop in fear is yours to keep! Just, you know, watch out for the GVPD. They don’t appreciate public indecency.