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Top 10: Ways to Not Look Like a UConn Freshman

Freshman year, the nerve wrecking socially confusing stage of your life where you may just find yourself chatting up a guy wearing chain paints and black lipstick just to make a friend. Most of these inexperienced college hooligans don’t know when they’re making a fool of themselves, so we at The Black Sheep have decided to compile a list of the most common first-year mistakes in an attempt to prevent all you freshmen from being as self aware as Helen Keller.


10.) Lanyards:
Stop wearing your dorm key around your neck. Not only do you look like a miserable hipster, but you’re also yelling out of a metaphorical megaphone to everyone that you are a freshman. Don’t go down this road unless you want people to think you have a rolly backpack as well.


9.) Rolly Backpacks:
DO NOT have a rolly backpack in college. Sure it was cool to have one of those bad boys back in the third grade when your ball sack was concave, but hopefully by now you’ve gone through puberty. Unless you want everyone to think you still breastfeed, ditch the mobile backpack and get with the program.


8.) Who Do You Know Here Bro?
Quit trying to enter small parties when you don’t know anyone who’s actually hosting the shindig. Of course you want to party, but people don’t want some clueless eighteen year old coming into their kitchen and puking all over their silverware. No one wants cockroaches in their house, but most would rather have them present than random freshmen crowding in a corner, so save yourself the trouble of being kicked out and don’t come in the first place.


7.) Floorcest:          
Don’t hook up with someone who’s on your floor. No matter how alluring their buttocks look in spandex, you must resist. Hooking up with someone who lives right down the hallway is like sticking a ticking time bomb down your pants. Unless you’re as faithful as Christ himself The Black Sheep advises you to hook up with the hotty on the floor above you as the inevitable emotional explosion will be easier to deal with.            


6.) I Remember My First Beer:   
Don’t drink beers in the hallways of your dorm. Be smart and conceal the beverage somehow so you don’t get written up for a dumb mistake. If worse comes to worse and an RA does stop you, just piss your pants — that’s usually a pretty good deterrent.      


5.) Be a Smart Stoner:
Smoking weed in the dorms is a big no-no. You wouldn’t take a shit in the middle of a party, so don’t make your room reek of the devil’s lettuce. The simple solution is just to go outside to engage in reefer madness. However, if your RA is a stoner, then you’ve hit the jackpot harder than a necrophiliac in a graveyard.           


4.) I Remember My Second Beer:           
Know your limits when it comes to drinking. No, you cannot drink an entire handle in one night and no, you can’t finish an entire thirty rack. Don’t be that moronic lifeless drunk kid at the party standing in the corner with a boner the entire time. 


3.) Take a Lap Pukey McPukington:
If you’re going to puke, do it in a smart location. Don’t think you can hold it in and the feeling is going to go away, that’s when you puke mid-coitus and kill the moment faster than a misjudged fart.          


2.) StudentAdmin Ineptness: 
Stop asking everyone how StudentAdmin works, as any chimp could figure it out with the instructions UConn gives to you. Stop being useless and figure it out you key necklace wearer you.


1.) You Are A Tadpole:
Finally, understand you’re at the bottom of the totem pole and that you don’t know much. Nothing is worse than a freshman who thinks he knows everything when he’s been on campus for barely a semester. You think an accomplished artist called himself professional after one painting? No he didn’t, so get your head out of your own ass and take a breath of freshman air.


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