The Port Authority bus is a shining beacon of clean, efficient, public transportation. Just kidding. At its best it’s a way to get from Point A to Point B. At its worst it’s like walking into a trap house, the DMV, and an emergency room all wrapped up in one. But nothing makes your experience worse than the following list of assholes who ride the bus:
10.) Pay When You Feel Like It:
It’s a little mystifying when to pay, so you’re half-justified in your confusion. However, the people who try to pay while the bus is moving, before their stop, telepathically before the bus even shows up—staaaaaahp. You will pay eventually, or you won’t, which is also kind of a good thing for you, no? Have the always-in-control pole removed from your ass.
9.) Seat Full of Luggage:
(-___-) Repeat after us: suitcases aren’t real people; suitcases don’t need to take up an entire seat. Rosa Parks fought so that PEOPLE could sit anywhere on the bus. Suitcases should remain on the damn floor. The same applies to your backpack, your boom box, your collection of Pokémon cards, any inanimate object that you may think requires its own seat: IT DOESN’T.
If you don’t know where the bus is going, maybe don’t get on it…. just an idea. See number 7 for further clarification.
7.) Weren’t You Supposed to Turn There?:
If you do get on a bus that’s not going where you thought, please don’t ask the bus driver where it’s headed. This is the goddamn 21st century. Google maps was created to spare the poor bus driver your harassment. Also, if you think you know where the bus is going and it ends up going another way, don’t try to backseat drive. These people drive on the same route ten billion times a day, and if that didn’t suck enough, they don’t need your sorry ass telling them where to go. Call an Uber next time.
6.) Drunk AF:
There’s that one dude who reeks of alcohol and is holding a suspicious brown bag all too often. He usually sits in the back. He may or may not inquire if your Starbucks chai latte is spiked with whiskey, but he’s otherwise harmless.
5.) Mega PDA Couple:
Did they forget to eat lunch and are now satisfying their hungry by gnawing each other’s faces off? Yell “hand check” at systematic intervals to make sure there’s no funny business happening below that Plexiglas window in front of their seat. That, or casually start talking about your grandmother really loudly, maybe include something about the Ten Commandments, and watch them writhe in discomfort.
4.) Bus Chasers:
Ok, we sadistically all enjoy a bus chaser. Especially if we’re comfortably seated staring out the window watching him/her run full speed, flailing limbs at the 28X (I mean, it only comes once every half hour). But, wearing the shoe on the other foot, save yourself the shame and don’t chase any bus. You’re better than that. It doesn’t deserve you. And there’s no way in hell it’s going to stop anyway.
3.) Bluetooth Bimbo:
There’s that awkward few seconds where you’re 99% sure the person behind you is talking to themselves, but then you just realize they’re obnoxiously broadcasting their phone call to everyone else on the bus. This is not limited to a Bluetooth, but really any call, hands-free devices just make our skin crawl a little more. You’re sitting down on the bus; you really couldn’t use your hands? As much as we were all dying to know what you made for dinner and how your date went last weekend—shuddup.
2.) Squad Deep:
Usually (always) a pack of freshman that haven’t figured out how to take the bus or be an individual—and they’ll definitely miss their stop or end up entirely in the wrong part of the city. Usually freshmen make up a majority of the people included on this list. Squaaaaaaaa.
1.) Assholes Who Don’t Get Up for Elderly/Disabled/Pregnant People:
This requires no explanation. Assholes.
And once upon a time… everyone put their headphones in and minded their own damn business.