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Top 5 Things You Need to Face the Looming Allendale Winter


Winters in Allendale are rough, as anyone on campus can tell you. With a couple of these tips, you’ll be able to stay warm and not suffer from the harsh winds and snow like everyone else.


5,) Hella Huge Boots:




You may not believe the Allendale winter veterans when they say that when it comes, it stays for nearly a year, but we’re here to tell you that you better buckle up with some heavy duty boots. The first thing you need to know is that even though GV has a shit ton of money to spend on unneeded projects, they don’t have the “extra” funds for salt. Essentially, this means that all of the sidewalks are an ice rink of death, especially the Copeslope over in freshmen land. So get some snowshoes, some spikes, and huge-ass boots in order to get to class this winter semester.


4.) Hella Thick Coat:




If you look cute, you’re not doing it right and will probably end up hospitalized trying to reattach your black, dead limbs. You need to be a pillow, but even more than that. Like a sleeping bag stuffed with pillows and blankets of the fuzziest variety, and then add another sleeping bag over top of it. Seriously, it gets cold with the famous Allendale wind, and they never call off school when it gets below zero. Good luck.


3.) Wool Undergarments:




No, it’s not as disgusting as you think. Yes, it will be super itchy, but hey, it’ll give you a nice excuse to hide those STDs you acquired from State last weekend. Either way, if your genitals ain’t sweatin’, you’re not doing the Allendale winter properly.


2.) A Sled Team:




Dogs aren’t allowed on campus unless they’re service (curse you, T. Haas), but this isn’t the sled team you’re thinking of from that Disney movie about mushing. This is a team of your friends that you guilt trip into pulling you around places with excuses like seasonal asthma and chionophobia. Play the right cards and you’ll have a hella sick ride to class every damn day, free of exertion and all bundled up in warmth. Or you can get service dogs…


1.) Study Abroad:




Just get the hell out while you still can. We all know once the snow hits, we’re all stuck in this little valley. So use that scholarship to put towards a study abroad semester for someplace warm like Brazil or Chile. Who even cares if the program isn’t for your major? You’re warm and still have all your appendages.


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