Snow is falling and the OMET teaching evaluations are flowing. It’s the time that you get to speak to your professors anonymously. Like any good college student, you can recognize a perfect opportunity when you see one, and the OMETs are a shining box gift wrapped in Chipotle gift cards with Natty Light packing. However, OMETs are terribly boring, so The Black Sheep is here to give you a few ways to spice things up in your teacher evals.
Profess your undying love for a professor or TA: While your affections could be returned, you should use caution. Nobody likes finding restraining orders in their student mailbox. In order to avoid a court date, there are two possibilities to go about this.
- Give them the beautiful poem you wrote in Intro to Creative Writing,
- Give them a sampling of your “love life resume,” complete with several reliable references of past partners whom you believe would give you a wondrous review.
If successful, your trips to your weekly office hour appointments could become something much more scandalous, and that’s the end goal, right?
To make up for your lack of attendance at lecture with enthusiastic begging: There’s really only one approach to this, plea and plea for your life. Professors adore it when you put them in the power position. You want to write something that can be read by that Professor as if you are on your knees sobbing by the soles of their loafers. If you need inspiration, channel the emotions you had when you went to the Office of Financial Aid that day you got your aid quote.
To ask them more questions: Most brown nosers don’t need someone to tell them that they could use this opportunity to kiss ass, but if your new to it, we can help. The best way to get down and really lick boot, is to write the review as if your professor is your own personal messiah. Tell them that you barely came to class, because you wouldn’t have been able to contain yourself. This could lead to a kick-ass recommendation for Law School in your future, and it comes at the low, low price of your dignity. But it’s not like you were using it anyway.
To poetically stick it to the professor: You have to be angry, informed, witty, and professional in one fell swoop. You’re gonna need a thesaurus. While saying, “you were the worst professor I have ever had,” does get your point across, you have to hit them harder. Try, “you were unarguably the most abhorrent educator that has ever been selected to profess any degree of knowledge to a flock of uninterested, nimble minds.” Now that’s how you insult someone on a scholarly level! For more comment, please refer to any old Sherlock Holmes insults or watch clips of John Oliver’s dismantling of whatever he discusses, both offer great, British ideas.
To tear them a new one: This is the most fun by far. Today is the day to take your pent up rage out on your keyboard, and by the transitive property- the heartless witch (or warlock) of a professor. In order to convey your anger, insanity, or how much they suck at their jobs, we recommend: Kevin Hart-like insults (reference the, “2-plus-2-not-knowing-what-it-is bitch” segment), pointing out their stutter, and using as many curse words as you know
Filling out OMET Surveys are a great way for professors to get feedback, and for the students to get their anger out towards their horrible professors. So when you get harassing emails for weeks on end, remember all the good the OMETs do. They give students a voice, and hopefully a shout.