Happy Unofficial, Illini! Hate to get too real, too fast but you’re destined to run into some drunk fellow on your way from a pregame to Lion, but that’s okay! To prepare you from getting pummeled by the threatening drunk you’ll bump into, The Black Sheep investigated the places you won’t find that wasted soul and respective spots to hide on campus if you do bump into em!
9.) Open Field:
The great thing about hiding in an open field is that they’re so many right around campus here in Chambana. You can hide in a forest, field, cornfield, soybean field, or the Morrow Plots. And while you may be in plain sight in an open field, the drunk guy you run into sure as hell won’t be able to chase after you.
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For many students, Unofficial is just another Friday in March, thus plenty of Illini still head off to classes and study all day in the UGL. Snuggle up with a book (those are the things with pages) and sit in a chair all day and you’ll blend in with all the geeds not participating in Unofficial. Be assured, you won’t find the drunk you ran into at the UGL.
7.) County Market:
There aren’t too many grocery stores scattered around campus and the cream of the crop is County Market. It may be expensive, but they have fresh produce that no drunk will be devouring on this day.
6.) Random Room in the Armory:
It’s nearly impossible to find a women’s bathroom (or just any classroom you need to get to when sober) in the Armory. That means it will be impossible for the drunk guy you run into on Unofficial to find anything in the Armory. So, in order to avoid getting beaten up, head to literally any room in the Armory.
5.) Rival Frat House:
A brother will probably be with his other brothers throughout the day as they drink green alcohol and attempt to seduce the opposite sex. One place the drunk brother you run into will not be is some rival frat house. Just stand outside the frat and don’t look so geed.
An e-mail was sent to all university housing residents last month explaining that there will be consequences for bringing people that do not live in your dorm to stay in your dorm. The drunk you run into will not follow you into your dorm for several reasons (fear of getting the mumps, no AC, etc.).
3.) Illini Inn:
While this drunk will be heading to all the popular bars throughout this afternoon, evening, and weekend, you can be assured he will not be heading to the Illini Inn. Has anyone ever been in the Illini Inn? No, so the drunk won’t chase you down in there and beat you up for running into him. He’s gotta maintain that reputation that he goes to the “cool bars.”
2.) In a Crevice:
When you consume alcohol and become intoxicated, your perception and sight deteriorate. In a small crevice – which there are many to find all over campus – you can hide and the drunk will not be able to find you because you’ll basically blend into your surroundings. Plus, he’s drunk.
Parks have an unfair stigma that they’re only for children. Truthfully, there’s nothing more fun than a good game of Monkey Chips or tag on your local playground. However, the drunk you run into later today will only be visiting frat park today, and frat park doesn’t come with swings and slides.
Hopefully you don’t run into any angry drunks today that are looking to beat you up, but if you do, you’ll know where to hide! Stay safe, Illini!