Ahhh, college roommates-an important part of any undergrad’s residential life experience! You’ll be living with the same person for a whole year and sharing living space, food, and time with them. While it’s good to get along with your roommate, it’s even better to consolidate power and let them know that it is your room and your room alone, without having to cause a scene by challenging them to a one-on-one fight, probably with prison rules, no knives, but chains and bottles are allowed. Here are the top eight neat, easy, and bloodless ways to bend them to your will!
8.) Leave notes:
Put a note near their food saying that one item is poisoned and offer your food, but only a certain amount, causing them to depend on you to eat. Costly, but effective!
7.) Keep the lines of communication open:
Every fifteen minutes, on the dot, look your roommate dead in the eyes and caw. Hide a voice recorder in your room to continue the timed caws even as you sleep. By keeping them on their toes, you maintain an upper hand at all times.
6.) Set room rules:
Keep saying “king in the castle” exactly as Golden Globe winning actor Sacha Baron Cohen does in his controversial 2006 mockumentary, Borat, until your roommate is forced to acknowledge your right to rule. Your proclamation is legally binding, as established in the Supreme Court case Baron Cohen v. State of California, and your roommate is now bound by United States federal law to recognize the room as your sole dominion, within which they are a vassal at best, a serf at worst.
5.) Follow each other on social media:
Deny your roommate’s friend request on Facebook and tell them that it didn’t go through. Repeat until they are desperate for your approval, (which they undoubtedly will be) at which point your roommate shan’t cause you any problems, lest they earn your scorn-a fate worse than death, in their eyes.
4.) Laugh together:
Dress up as a spider every time you’re in the room, fooling your roommate into believing you’re a poisonous arachnid that may bite them at any instant. Remember, fear is easier to maintain than mutual respect!
3.) Study together:
Become a TA in as many of their classes as possible. Though this route requires the most work, it pays off in dividends when it guarantees their complete loyalty and respect for you; they are very aware that angering the holder of the red pen is never a good idea.
2.) Be honest about how you feel:
Purposefully leave your computer open with the Google search “why does my roommate smell like failure” up on the screen. Your roommate will be easy to push around after they start eating soap in a vain attempt to earn your love.
1.) Become a part of each other’s lives:
Pay off your roommate’s family members to call them by the wrong name and refer to you as their favorite child, slowly breaking down their sense of reality until you are the only architect of truth in their now crumbling edifice of a life.