This year back-to-school means more than just Starbuck’s pumpkin-spice lattes and lack of sleep. It also means getting fucked over by your university! Here are The Black Sheep’s top ten ways to get screwed by your college.
10.) Do Work Study:
The local Starbucks would love to have your useless, inexperienced body in their already cramped store. They may have a quota of students to fill, but that doesn’t mean the management has to be nice to you. You’re reluctantly hired! Enjoy waking up at 4 a.m., working six hours, and then attempting to stay awake during class. Your contribution to the discussion will be “Zzzzz.”
9.) Sign Up for Every Honors Program Possible:
With hundreds of honors organizations and programs overflowing on your campus, you couldn’t possibly sign up for every single one, right? WRONG. It’s marathon time. You believe that you’re an academic juggernaut, but in actuality you’re one thing: foolish. Good luck going to all those meaningless meetings in order to graduate with thirteen stickers on your degree. Nobody cares.
8.) Continue Eating the Dining Hall Food:
From slimy green beans to the chicken parmesan that they made fresh three weeks ago, dining hall food is terrible, but easy. Shovel that hastily microwaved, poorly handled meatloaf into your innocent mouth. Luckily, as a college student, you don’t have time for taste. However, you do have just enough time before class for the laxatives they put in the dining hall’s food to explode from your bowels.
7.) Go to a Therapist:
Colleges are bolstering their attempts at solving mental health issues in millennials…with drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. Actually, depending on your lifestyle, this may be the most helpful thing a university will give you in your four years of attendance. You may be a walking zombie, but at least those hallucinations you now have will keep you entertained during your boring philosophy lectures.
6.) Order All Your Books from the Bookstore:
Three-thousand dollars for a text book? Sounds reasonable. We’re sure that a college wouldn’t want to make money off of innocent students who don’t know how to compare prices. JUST GO TO AMAZON. Half of what you’re buying is a nickel there.
5.) Major in the Liberal Arts:
Universities love graduates who can’t afford to pay off their student loans, let alone make a donation to the school that provided them with the degree with which they were fucked. Get that English degree, and watch all interest in you as an investment in the future disappear as if by magic (the part of your college education you will use most often, mostly at children’s birthday parties).
4.) Call your College Help-Line:
Your grandfather went to your college when the help-line was first created. He’s still on hold.
3.) Let Your Advisor Pick Your Classes for You:
There’s no better way to solve your personal issues with indecision than by handing over the work to someone who’s out of a job when you graduate. That’s right, let them handle everything, they’ll keep you nice and here.
2.) Enjoy the Quad:
Finally, a large section of grass where douchebags of every shape and size can convene to play shirtless frisbee. Some international students are playing a game with tops and cards that even the world’s best scientists don’t understand, and your professor is sadly eating his homemade peanut butter and jelly sandwich next to them. When you lock eyes you realize he wants to have a real conversation, wherein he gets to know you not only as a student but as an individual. Oh, God. Run.
1.) Attend College:
We pay tens-of-thousands of dollars to do homework for another four years, so we can do something we’re not sure if we want to actually do, and make a lot of stupid adult decisions we’re not ready for every day? Sign us up! There’s no better way to find yourself than being trapped on a campus with people your age while your brain fully matures into the mush it shall be for the rest of your life.
So, go ahead and sip on that pumpkin-flavored sugar syrup whilst desperately trying to figure out how to fit a nap into your schedule. Don’t worry. You can be sure that your college is always there to help you. Get screwed.
Wonder why freshmen suck? We have it figured out: