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Trump Forces Starbucks to Split Green Unity Cup into 13 Separate Cups

On November 1st, Starbucks debuted a green “unity” cup, consisting of a mosaic of over a hundred people connected by a single stroke, a metaphor for the community and diversity of our nation. Just eight days later, and to much of the nation’s surprise, Donald J. Trump was elected president of the United States. Now, as president-elect, Trump’s first action of power has been to dismiss Starbucks’ attempt at unification and exchange it for 13 cups entirely different and separate from one other.


The distribution of these cups on November 10 across the United States has caused uproar in many cities as riots broke out from Los Angeles to New York City. Local sophomore and Starbucks barista Lindsay DeBlanc noted the motivation behind her protest.


“That cup was so beautiful, and so much work was put into the creation of it,” Lindsay explained. “Starbucks has had controversial cup designs in the past, but they got through it and came out stronger than ever, and that unity cup really showed that. Now we’re just going to throw all that progress away and break it up into 13 separate pieces? What are we, a company just starting out that can’t make a cohesive decision on something as ridiculous as a cup? It’s an outrage!”


However, not all coffee enthusiasts agree that this change is necessarily bad for Starbucks. Local junior Thomas Jensen described his perspective.


“What’s so bad about keeping different cups separate from each other?” Thomas asked. “My great-great-great-grandfather always said that you should always keep your blue cups with your blue cups, and your red cups with the red ones, etcetera. That way all your dishes have an order and a place. One time, my sister stacked the cups in the order of a rainbow, and my dad lost his shit,” Thomas recalled. “He curses at actual rainbows, too.”


Our sources state that supporters of the “cup split up” at Starbucks are pushing for even more of a change at this nationwide coffee house.


“We should figure out which one we like the best, and make more of that one,” Sydney Russell explained. “Then, we should probably get rid of at least a couple of the ones that we don’t like as much, so they don’t threaten the safety of Americ—er, the other cups.”


Manager of an East Lansing Starbucks, Claire Johnson, commented on Ms. Russel’s suggestions.


“Each of the cups are made exactly alike with a safe little coffee cup sleeve on each of them; it’s not like the design of one includes shards of glass around the mouthpiece,” Johnson stated. “The most dangerous thing that can happen is a customer acting like a complete maniac, taking the lid off, and pouring hot coffee on their own face, which at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised by.”


With Trump’s demonstration of power over Starbucks relieving some and infuriating others, the high tensions between sides is undeniable. As this iconic coffee shop’s reputation continues on a downward spiral, many opposed to the separation agree on one thing for certain: it’s time Starbucks made a new cup.



Something so bad, 12 beers later, is so, so good.

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