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UD Women Can’t Get Shit Together, Wind Up in Hours Long Battle Against Embarrassment

Starting at 8 a.m. on Monday, the women’s bathroom in Smith Hall had been, for nearly seven hours, the setting of the longest stalemate in campus history. Sources claimed that two female students remained locked in adjacent stalls, each silently refusing to leave until the bathroom was completely vacated. Other women traveling in and out of the restroom throughout the day confirmed the same pair of Hunter boots lingering in the furthest stall from the entrance, as well as a pair of Nike Frees situated in the next stall over.


“Pooping in public is harder for girls since we’re more perceptive to embarrassment over small things like face planting up the fraternity house steps and answering nature’s calls,” an anonymous Twitter user commented in a series of Tweets. “It’s a common practice to make sure the bathroom is completely empty before dropping deuces so no one will hear. We don’t want men to think we do it, and we definitely don’t want other women to think so either. If there’s too much traffic in and out of the restroom, the next option is to just make loud noises to cover it up, then creep out before anyone sees,” the tweeter explained in a series of 140-character messages. It is rumored that our twitter user “@partypooper389” is one of the students currently engaged in the dookie deadlock.


Sophomore Iris Rosell first noticed the strange silence in the ladies room, despite its two occupants, around 8 a.m. before her first class. She confirmed that later on in the day she visited the same bathroom again, this time around 12 p.m. and was shocked to discover that the same two pairs of shoes remained in the same stalls from earlier that morning.


“Yeah, it was a little weird,” Rosell remarked. “When I went in again around lunch time it sounded like they were both pulling really hard on the toilet paper, and they were also pretending to cough and stuff.”


By two in the afternoon, each student stubbornly remained locked in her respective stall while the campus held its breath, anxiously awaiting the moment of truth: who would crack first? In light of this captivating event, Delaware students began to analyze this peculiar behavior. Hard-hitting questions like “Why are women so weird?” “What’s so embarrassing about performing a perfectly normal bodily function?” and “How come the one girl is wearing rain boots in dry, ninety-degree weather?” started to surface all over social media sites. Professors were baffled, students were intrigued, and the cleaning ladies were pissed.


“Every time we go in there to try and clean, the same two girls are sitting, blowing their noses, rustling through their bags, not moving!” Maria Hill complained, exasperated with the inability of the ladies to just get over themselves.


At last, around 2:30, (a solid six and a half hours into the deadlock) a faint sound emitted from the direction of the toilets. Students from all over gathered around the entrance in mute suspense, hoping not to scare the contestants of this incredible impasse in to another four hours of steady silence.


What happened next can only be described as a sonorous symphony of splashing, ear splitting flatulence, and tremendous sighs of relief as both women simultaneously decided to be normal people; and release their bodies of all the unnecessary pent up tension sustained for the past six hours. Outside, the growing crowd cheered, then quickly dispersed as the stench wafted out from underneath the bathroom door. Neither student is available for interview, as both remain locked in their stalls, still waiting for the other to leave first.

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