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UIUC Halloween Police Blotter

 

The following incidents, crimes, and arrests are from official UIUC police reports from Halloween evening. Readers are reminded that these reports are the result of on-view situations or as related to the officer by a complainant. Guilt of any party is the sole jurisdiction of the courts.

 

Crimes and Incidents:

 

Sonic was charged with a crime of speeding late Saturday night. Official police reports say the hedgehog was “running too damn fast through the Quad.” Sonic said in a statement that “he only goes fast.” The officers weren’t happy with the hedgehog’s savage response.

 

A guy not in a Halloween costume because he spent his entire tuition on a hoverboard was charged with a crime of slowing at 10:47 p.m. This is the first ever ticket given for “going too slow” in Champaign-Urbana history. But, he seemed to welcome the ticket because it satisfied the attention he was seeking buying one of those dumb hoverboards.

 

A ghost is being charged with burglary and sneaking into McKinley to steal condoms. The ghost said he wasn’t actually stealing them since condoms are free, yet nobody could see him. Initial reports are that his girlfriend is Ms. Pac-Man.

 

Crimes against humanity:

 

A student wearing an Illinois State University t-shirt is charged with a crime against humanity after being deemed by police as “not smart enough to be here.” The student then showed his I-Card to prove he’s actually a UIUC student, yet the ticket was still written against him, out of principle.

 

Arrests:

 

King Kong was arrested late Saturday night for vandalism of buildings after jumping on top of the HERE apartment building on Green Street. When police arrived at the scene, Kong repeatedly pounded his chest. No court date has been set.

 

A pirate was arrested on Halloween and charged with being a hooker. The pirate was at the White Ho. Come on, that’s pretty funny. 

 

A nudist (presumably trying to be Justin Bieber) was arrested for public indecency. Some girls said they liked what they saw while others disagreed. Yep, he must’ve been trying to be the Biebs.

 

A student wearing a quarter-zip, grandpa vest, very unattractive khakis, old man glasses, and holding a cross was arrested and charged with disturbing the peace on the front lawn of Omega Epsilon, On second thought, that might’ve actually been Brother Jed…

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