ANN ARBOR – The Intramural Sports program has started with its first fall season, and intramural athletes aren’t the only ones who are happy. A large number of non-competitors, mostly professors, are also eager to begin IM Sports Betting, now in its third season. Many faculty from the Statistics, Mathematics, Computer Science Departments, along with some faculty from the School of Information, bet on IM Sports to spice up their lives a bit.
“We look at numbers all day, and that makes them lose their meaning,” said professor Gerald Ambler, Undergraduate Chair of the Statistics Department. “I don’t give a shit about the 523 million home appliances sold every year. But I give many shits about the four runs scored by the ‘Shirtless Harbaughllers’, the softball team that I put $300 on.”
The system is made so that every year, 10 of the members who wish to participate in IM Sports Betting are randomly selected to make the line for the game, as there are few in Las Vegas who would take the time to do so. However, the definition of the word “random” is hotly debated, especially by the Computer Science faculty. According to Igor M. Vorkin, CompSci professor, “A machine cannot make a random number on its own. Someone has to tell it how. Therefore, a computer cannot be truly random. This is why we need to just flip a coin a few hundred times. It’s that simple. These jerks just want to keep me out of the betting because they know I’d win. That’s why I volunteer to flip the coin”
EDITOR’S NOTE: At time of press, Professor Vorkin was still flipping coins.
Although some may see it as unethical, betting on intramural sports is not illegal. Many professors actually see it as a way to excite students about classes. In Stats 250, professor Steven Stevenson has a hard time keeping the attention of some of his students. But there’s a way to change all of that in an instant. “Kids these days are always bored or distracted or hungover or whatever. The point is they just don’t care. Whenever I see that my students are sick of numbers, I just pull out some fat stacks and they perk right up. It’s fricken’ magic, man.”
Everything doesn’t always run so smoothly. In the Winter II season of Flag Football, professor Chris Heater, Department Head of Philosophy, Politics, and Economics was found to be fixing games by threatening to lower the grades of players if they dared to win. Professor Heater was immediately removed from the betting group, and new rules were put in place. Faculty members cannot threaten to lower the grades of students competing in sports. However, in the American tradition of preferential treatment of athletes, professors can bribe intramural athletes with extra credit.
Some of this week’s lines: In Sand Volleyball, the Two Bump Chumps are expected to beat Kiss My Ace with 3-1 odds. In Softball, the Benchwarmers are the favor to beat Sons of Pitches by two runs. In Soccer, Get Messi is predicted to beat 2 Goals 1 Cup by 1 goal. In Ultimate Frisbee, nobody cares.
We are legally obligated to inform those with gambling issues that the gambling hotline is 1-800-867-5309