University of Michigan Plant Operations crews are still busy cleaning up the lawn of the President’s House after three students ritually sacrificed an unidentified freshman during the Super Blood Moon in a plea to re-open the Taco Bell in the Michigan League. The Taco Bell was removed in July of 2014, much to the chagrin of the student body.
The three students, Michael Stanton, Kelly Grismore, and James Hargrave were arrested on Sunday night after desecrating the body of an unidentified freshman. The three will be held at the drunk tank in the Big House until Schlissel releases a statement about the possibility of re-opening a Taco Bell, said UMPD Chief John Sturgis. “We here at UMPD may be sworn to uphold the law, but we also want to see where this is going. If the Taco Bell actually does come back, then clearly this stunt worked, and I think at that point they can be let go.”
In an exclusive interview with Stanton, the leader of the three, he let us know that the Super Blood Moon was essential to the plan. “Well, we communed with the spirit of the Super Blood Moon, and we asked how to get the Taco Bell to re-open.” The junior economics student went on to say how the Super Blood Moon “told us to spill the blood of one who had not seen the Taco Bell on the President’s lawn.” However, he wasn’t so sure that it was the moral thing to do. “I mean yeah, we do really want a Taco Bell, but that’s a really nice lawn we’re talking about. The President’s House is a point of pride on this campus, you know, being right next to the libraries and all. That’s where it is right? Anyway, it was a tough choice, but in the end, I think it was the right one.”
President Schlissel, whose lawn was bloodied in the process of the sacrifice, has been very accepting of what the three students did. In an interview that he requested to be “off the record,” whatever that means, Schlissel stated how he has also communed with the spirit of the Super Blood Moon in the past. “The last time the Super Blood Moon came around, I called upon the spirit to get me into Johns Hopkins Med School. It wasn’t too bad though; all I had to do was sacrifice a goat. I can’t imagine what those poor kids went through sacrificing another student.” Schlissel concluded the interview with a quick “You guys aren’t recording this right?” before turning and running away.
*At press time, the student who had been sacrificed has still not been identified, most likely as a result of not wearing his MCard on a lanyard.*