UNCC has been treated to a special sight this week as Greek letters and RUSH signs make their biannual appearance. While most Greek chapters set up their reasonably-sized signs near the Student Union and CHHS, two fraternities felt that their letters needed to be placed in the greenery beside of Atkin’s library, seeming to overcompensate in the space needed for their letters.
This didn’t seem to cause any problems until early this morning, the two fraternities were found measuring up each other’s wood.
Backwards-hat enthusiast, Brother Todd had no idea another fraternity would dare erect a larger piece of wood than theirs. “Yeah, size matters. Spring RUSH usually has less recruits; it’s between this and our oral talents to really compete against the other frats.”
After meeting with his brothers, Brother Todd decided they needed to take the matter “into their own hands.” Deciding to rebuild larger letters to compete with the opposing frat, Brother Todd gathered his boys and set to work at the next day.
“Nothing as satisfying as making some morning wood with the boys,” Brother Blake grinned, not even minding he was sweating through his Ralph Lauren Polo.
Their letters were just at half-mast when the opposing fraternity appeared, having the same idea to build larger letters. Gritting their teeth and driving the wood in, the fraternities worked alongside each other in peace until they both had to attend their business classes in Friday.
Upon return, both fraternities found that their letters had been jerked off their stands. With no evidence or simple logic to rely on, they immediately entered a frat stand-off, the bros of their respective frats scrambling to get the letters to full mast.
“You can’t go as hard as us!” 5th generation, purebred frat hound, Brother Chad of the opposing fraternity panted, nailing his hammer frantically into the wood.
“He’s good at getting a rise out of the boys,” Brother Blake huffed, desperately trying to get it back up. “But Brother Todd showed us what manhood looks and feels like — and if we respond, it’ll just go to his head.”
Even as the letters came close to their finish, Brother Chad wasn’t ready to let it go yet- his head seeming to turn an angry purple as he stalked towards the mob of students walking to class, and forced a random GDI in between both the letters.
“Whose is bigger?” Brother Chad asked the GDI.
Brother Todd ceased his efforts, finally entering the inevitable sword fight. “Hey, geed, how about you come to our Frat Castle tonight? You don’t even have to bring three chicks.”
“Does your daddy even buy you Vineyard Vines?” Brother Chad scoffed, forgetting about the GDI. Chad motioned how he donned his own American flag Chubbies and blazer combo, despite the winter weather. “I bet you can’t even drink Natty Lights.”
It was noted that this was when “shit got real,” as Brother Todd asked Brother Blake to hold his North Face Jacket.
“I’m gonna shotgun this fucking Natty Light and show you.”
As Brother Todd chugged, bros from both fraternities began spewing their pent up aggressions at one another.
“Our wood is way fucking bigger!”
Frat Rat, freshman Lauren Edwards saw the pastel pants on her way to class and ran over to aid her fraternity friends. “Suck on that!” She yelled, not sure which side she should stand on after last weekend’s parties.
“I can’t wait to get bids from these assholes, I’m going to be the biggest douche I can possibly be,” RUSH pledge, Chaz Cox gushed from the sidelines.
“We’re going to butt fuck you during Greek Week events!”
A silence fell over both fraternities.
Brother Todd gave a short jerk of the head, clearly disappointed in his fellow brother’s slip-up. Feeling the need to recover, he offered the best apology he could to Brother Chad and the respective fraternity. “No homo?”
Uncomfortable, but necessary, Brother Chad replied, “No homo.”
The bros went in for a bro-hug, but due to homophobia and severe inferiority complexes, ended up bro-shoving each other instead, and chanting “no homo!” until peace amongst the fraternities was reached again. The bros eventually had to go to their next marketing class and letters from both fraternities will stand by Atkins, larger and tackier than ever in UNCC tradition.
The GDI, sophomore Jack Robins remained by the letters, puzzled and annoyed. “What the fuck just happened?”