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Universities Preemptively Issue Statement on Frats Planning ‘Tiki Torch-Bearing Alt-Right’ Halloween Costumes

In anticipation of students dressin up like alt-right protesters from Charlottesville for this upcoming Halloween, universities across the county issued a collective statement this week denouncing “bigotry, racism, hatred, and that douche Gary who is just looking to get his ass kicked by dressing up like a dorky racist for Halloween.”  

Last weekend, alt-right protesters dressed collectively in khaki pants and white polo shirts—mirroring their king— while carrying tiki torches they’d been keeping until they were invited to their first-ever party. Universities have thus assumed this getup to be a costume choice by some less-sharp college students for Halloween, as they seemingly do on a yearly basis

University of Virginia president Teresa A. Sullivan, who spoke on behalf of all university presidents, explained that no matter how tasteless dressing up like racially-charged “laid-off Circuit City employees,” students would nonetheless decide to do so this coming Halloween, “because white frat boys are idiots.”

“We’re not idiots,” said Witt, a white fraternity member who is known to chant “U-S-A!” when the time least calls for it. “We’re not going to get conned by the commies. You libtards ain’t gonna take away my right to piss you the hell off! Free speech and the Constitution — you know them, and we’re not letting people take them away from us! America!”  

Yet, Sullivan is speaking out against such people, asking them to stay at home this Halloween.

“We’re asking all of you idiots to keep your wrinkled business casual attire at home this Halloween,” Sullivan said. “Charlottesville and the rest of this country has gone through enough of your shit to have to deal with you dressing like a weekend golfer who screams racist things whenever he hits a bad shot.”

Violence at Charlottesville, which was prompted by the sect of nerdy spineless twits who are known to convulse, scream, and eventually melt when they hear the words “ethnic,” “Hilary,” and “diversity” used in the same sentence, led some to think that dressing up like a call center-inspired Klansman might be a suitable Halloween costume.

“Please don’t walk in our streets with dollar-store tiki torches and clothes you wore to a job interview you didn’t get,” Sullivan said. “We’re not kidding, if you’re so keen on doing something racist for Halloween just go as Poca—no, you know what? No. You’re all idiots. Be a simple, white-sheeted ghos—actually, not ghosts. Be Game of Thrones characters. There you go, that’s fun and timely.”

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