With the completion of several “necessary” and “carefully planned” construction projects such as the new Caesar Rodney residence and dining halls, Purnell’s JPMorganChase-funded entranceway, and even the new interactive pedestrian crossing signals on South College avenue, university officials report that they cannot decide what vanity architectural venture to waste money on next.
Jennifer Collins, spokesperson for the university’s Financial Frivolity Department, or FFD, stated “We just didn’t expect this building to actually be completed, let alone be useable. The way we designed it, we figured we can just aimlessly funnel money into the construction efforts for another decade, at least,” she added, referring to the newly-completed and fully functional Caesar Rodney residence halls, which took an impressive three years to construct.
Collins also reported that several attempts were made by the university to stall the completion of the new dorms. “We tried everything in the books; unplanned snow days, hiding the bricks, releasing rabid squirrels, fencing out the workers, and even hiring an old soothsayer to threaten the construction crew about a plague. Yet, nothing worked.”
“We hired people and paid for expensive building equipment. But we didn’t actually expect them to actually start putting it all together,” financial consultant and chairman of the FFD Mick Banks stated. “Now that we’ve raised tuition, we need actual proof that we needed the money.”
At the beginning of the summer, the university reportedly attempted to fund several architectural updates that gave the guise that the recently-acquired tuition money was being put to good use. However, due to unforeseen modern construction advances, the extra potholes on Academy Street and minor changes to every crosswalk were completed in time. The university’s one exception is the Gore wall updates, which have been hailed by university officials as a saving grace, due to the fact that the archaic brick must be carefully replaced layer by layer, buying a little bit more time to fabricate a new upgrade.
Banks reported that the university has not, in fact, given up on their efforts to squander tuition fees and always appear as though the campus is being updated. “We have considered a few things to do until we can fully commit to one central money sapping structure. Maybe a second book statue, yet another engineering building, or even fixing up a sidewalk that isn’t damaged. Point is, we will do just about anything to occupy space, waste students’ time and make them feel like their already high tuition just isn’t enough.”