Lenny Poloski does not enjoy studying. “I’ve tried everything. Coffee, Vyvanse, meth, none of it works! So I had to start looking elsewhere.” Poloski has been a student at UNT for the past 3 years and has always had difficulty taking his finals. “Oh I haven’t passed one yet. My highest score was a 43, and that was on an open note exam. I’m hoping this strategy will work out for me.”
Poloski began communicating with Satan, Prince of Darkness, about 3 weeks ago. He made a trip down to the underworld, crossed the river Styx, and gave Lucifer an offer. “He was really chill,” Poloski said, describing Satan. ”(Satan) seemed like the kind of guy who would just chat with you while you watch COPS.” Poloski also went into great detail describing the beauty of the home of Satan. He said that his home was built in a Victorian style with a hint of fire and brimstone.
During his time in Hell, Poloski and Satan discussed a possible transaction, which would exchange Poloski’s soul for a passing grade on his chemistry final. Hitler, Satan’s soul account manager, approved the bargain.
“I think it’s a pretty good deal,” said Poloski. “Satan is a really reasonable negotiator and I think we arrived at a pretty fair price for a passing final grade.” Poloski claimed he is a little bit worried about what will happen to his soul, but not really.
“Satan has promised me that he will keep my soul in one of the nicer places in Hell so I am pretty happy with that. Plus he even offered insurance that I could purchase for my soul, which is rather kind. I will probably give him an answer by the end of the week. I want to get my parents opinion on my soul forfeiture, but I think at this point they’re pretty desperate for me to pass too. Hell is worse than the real world with student loans and no diploma, amiright?” Lenny winked.
The Black Sheep attempted to get into contact with Satan, but he refused to comment. Satan’s PR team said that they would no longer be allowing interviews due to Satan “not liking them.” However, he did insist that we include in this article his email so that other students would be able to contact him about a similar arrangement if interested. (To reach Satan please email firstname.lastname@example.org)
Poloski seems to be leaning towards giving Satan his soul, and he is happy about it. “For once my family will be proud of me, for once they will look at my grades and be impressed. Or actually just one of my grades because it’s only for one class. I’ll probably fail all my other ones.” Poloski may end up without a soul, but it sure seems like he will have a smile and one barely passing grade.