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UW December Grad Takes Up Knitting to Avoid Making Real Decisions


Poe Crastinate has been a proud alum of the UW-Madison English department for just over a month, and that month has not gone to waste via drinking oneself into the fetal position and crying for hours to Adele’s Hello like other December grads have been known to do. Nope, instead, Poe, short for Penelope, has done something way more productive with her time — KNITTING!! And 52 scarves, 27 hats, 4 sweaters, and 2 half-started afghans can’t be wrong.


“Knitting is just what the world wants me to be doing right now,” proclaimed Poe when we ran into her on the 6 bus, knitting a glove onto her hand while on her way to her next house call. Now, we admit, Poe seems to be bat-shit crazy. She’s the type of person who has at least one book by Jane Austen on her person at all times (our vote is for Little Women). Nonetheless, we gotta admit, that is talent right there; like, crocheting on a glove is no big deal, but knitting it on, WOW. If only we were all still pioneers who had to make our own clothes…


“People keep asking me when I’m gonna start a career, or at least get a real job. C’mon, I just graduated! I need a little time to explore. For the first time in 4 years I have time to do what I wanna do, and what I have been wanting to do for at least 2 years is knit and not think about anything. It’s going great so far, thanks for asking. My mind is empty and I love it. And as if my cat walking business isn’t already sky-rocketing, I’m now providing hats and sweaters for every cat. The price is jumping from $6.00 to $6.50 an hour. It’s like people think yarn is free or something!”  Poe then finished her glove and quickly began knitting a sweater onto a cat struggling in her lap. No one knew where that cat came from… and it’s rather disturbing to think that cats are just on the Madison Metro alone.


“And another thing, all these people are telling me I need to settle down, and start taking my medication again. Well, I’ll tell them something: there is plenty of time for me to get a job, pay back my loans, make my rent payments on time, live with running water again, and level out this psychosis WHEN I’M READY! I’m in the middle of a huge life transition here, and I’m going to take as much damn time as I want!”


Well, we are all right there with you, Poe! We wish you the best of luck when you finally do explore the wonders of English. You know, you could…well, um… maybe some type of non-profit work? Or… OOoooOo you could edit things, like articles and shit, for journals of English and science and readers digest… or-OR write some type of grammar book? Like, total score right? Or edit the Purdue Owl, since they update that citation shit every 10 seconds.


Since that all sounds about as fun as waiting for a hibernating bear to slowly leak his farts out to power your methane fueled lawnmower, we included a link to buy bulk yarn on amazon for any May 2016 English majors, or comm arts, or music, or any major with a name that most 1st graders can already pronounce.


Good luck in your endeavors! And remember, grad school is always an option if you’re looking to stall your life just a little longer.


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