You still have some time to get all the special people in your life a Valentine’s Day gift. But what do you get them?! Alright, calm the fuck down about it… we’ve got you covered. For all the people you love/like/interact with sometimes, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of acceptable Valentine’s presents that are just what the doctor ordered.
For The Guy That Works At The Liquor Store: He delivers your kegs. He knows exactly what kind of vodka you like to buy. He even gave you a lime for free one time when he noticed you were buying tequila. He just gets you. He’s arguably the most important man in your life, so treat him nicely this holiday. Give him the gift that he’s been hoping you’d give him all along—learning his name. Seriously, just learn his goddamn name. You’ve known him since you were using your older sibling’s ID to buy booze. You have no excuse to still be referring to him as “Guy at the Liquor Store.”
For Your Boyfriend: A nice dinner and a blowjob. C’mon you guys, don’t overthink it—it’s really not that difficult to figure out.
For Your Girlfriend: Of course, it really all depends on the girl you’re dating. Though it’s not exactly a one size fits all for the woman in your life, our suggestion here is—a nice dinner and a lady blowjob. Again, don’t overthink it.
For Your Mom: Nothing, you fucking weirdo. It’s just Valentine’s Day… cut the umbilical cord already.
For Your Landlord: The perfect gift for the person who overcharges you for a shoebox-sized room in a house built in the 1800’s takes some commitment. Try gathering all the mice you’ve called them about like 17 times in the past month and put them in a nicely-wrapped box with air holes. Place the box on your landlord’s porch, that’ll show them that you refuse to live with a disease-infested creature that tries to procreate nonstop (other than your roommate, who just went through a breakup and is a huge whore these days).
For Your Dad: What did we just say about getting a Valentine’s Day present for a parent?
For That Person You’ve “Been With” For A While: Ask them to be your girlfriend/boyfriend. Or even stop contacting them all together. Really, just giving them a definitive answer as to “what you are” is the nicest thing you could do for them.
For The Person You Met On Tinder: Give something special to that person you met on the skeaziest app in existence: stop asking if they want to have sex with you out of the blue. Honestly, the question “how are you” does not require “DTF?” as an immediate follow up.
For Yourself: Better decisions. Make some better choices… we promise you won’t regret it. Valentine’s is all about love, so love yourself for once. Drink wine from a bottle instead of a box. Stop calling that guy who clearly wants nothing more to do with you than a 3 a.m. rendezvous. Try refraining from texting the girl who only gives you attention when there’s trouble in paradise between her and her boyfriend. And for the love of god, quit buying Burnett’s.
So, be your own damn Valentine. Treat yo self to better life choices this holiday—it’s a lot better than contemplating buying your parents a Valentine gift, you know?