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Vandalism at Social House: Not Very Social

Early last Friday morning the local Blacksburg restaurant, Social House, was broken into and vandalized. Blacksburg police arrested Daniel Kimminau for severely damaging the property. Kimminau is a Virginia Tech student, which we found particularly shocking, since college students are known for their strict abidance of the law. The Black Sheep did some digging to uncover this student’s potential motives.


Our search for truth started with VT business major and notorious stoner, Kyle B. “Meth,” Kyle asserted when asked about Friday’s incident. “It had to be meth, dude. All those broken chairs and tables? I’m telling you, only someone out of his mind on methamphetamine could do that kind of…” he trailed off, before becoming enamored with a nearby tree and refusing to answer any more questions.


Lance J., an active member of the VT parkour club, shared with us a different view on the recent vandalism. “I bet you anything he was practicing parkour,” Lance yelled to us while standing on a railing two feet away. “It’s a pretty intense sport. You know, most of the time we break bones, but this guy broke freaking windows! What a legend! PARKOUR.” Lance enthusiastically answered a few more of our questions before rolling away down the stairs.


One last student The Black Sheep interviewed was Chelsea H., a communications major, sorority sister, and strong advocate of yoga pants. When asked about the arrested student, she looked up from her phone and said, “I think he was just being a dick.”


While our sources were undeniably credible and relevant, they unfortunately did not yield any conclusive evidence on Kimminau’s motive. Was he, in fact, on drugs? Was the destruction the result of a parkour accident? Or was the guy just an asshole? We almost abandoned our quest for truth until a crucial piece of information was made available to us: Daniel Kimminau was not only a Virginia Tech student; he was an engineering student. They all crack at some point, right? Mystery solved.

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