An interesting new improvement has arrived on campus, and that is the city bike pay-to-ride racks on Bigelow, Fifth and other frequently trafficked streets at Pitt. These bikes may seem like just another public transportation improvement as America continually tries to be like Europe, but they’re actually something more, something extreme, something called “Pitt City Bike Slam.” The developers of the Oculus Virtual Reality goggles and cheap bike manufacturers teamed up and created this game with the assurance that this was “totally safe and rad bro” we sent one of our new writers to test it out.
The first thing our writer/player noticed was the stunning graphics of the virtual reality goggles as he put them on and mounted the city bike, paying the requisite fee, of course. “It’s like the cars on Fifth are actually coming at me! I usually just flick them off as I cross crosswalks at the wrong time,” said our normally pedestrian writer. The game started, and he entered the bike lane, slowly ascending to Upper Campus. “Aw sweet, you get bonus points for cutting off cars!” he exclaimed when toiling up the hill and intersection near Chevron.
As he neared the top and the road leveled out, our writer (grossly out of shape due to a diet primarily of pizza) took a break. He was doing well, scoring 4000 points from cutting off four cars and somehow traversing a brick road (2x distance points). Bonus points were allotted for grabbing food from one of the Indian trucks on Bigelow without stopping (+1500 culture points). After this short respite, he embarked on the tricks section of the course.
The goggles told him to grind down the Peterson steps which he tried, but received -500 points for falling six times. He made it to the bottom of the steps, ramped up the hill on the Pete lawn (gaining 500 points for a 180 jump), rode the escalator successfully without getting off his bike, then entered the downhill portion of the course by UPMC. “That wasn’t so bad, I only lost three teeth and pushed someone down the escalator on accident,” said our precocious writer.
The road next to UPMC leading up to the Pete is legendarily known as Cardiac Hill, and our writer tackled it downhill. The VR goggles had so far shown him power-ups such as ‘Roc vision’ (your vision becomes that of the mascot Roc while at a football game), drunk goggles, Market stir fry speed boost, and #4QUARTERS chips and a drink. Our writer was going downhill at an amazingly fast rate and got extra bonus points for doing so. He turned down Fifth for the home stretch, and he was running low on time from those six grind attempts and subsequent hospital visits.
However, as our writer neared the finish line bike rack he started at, the 10A was approaching. This final boss in the VR videogame was a new feature the designers had not expected. Our writer’s goggles directed him to fight this groaning, lurching, street-corner-crushing foe. The two almost met in a clash of bike and angry, chain smoking driver. Unfortunately, he lost, as do most entities who oppose the 10A, and swerved at the last moment, losing all of his points. He returned the bike, then promptly wrote his badly written, profanity-filled, letter of resignation to The Black Sheep. We don’t know why he quit really, we paid him in pizza and video games…