Virginia Tech Parking Services has always been despised by students, faculty, and Blacksburg residents alike. Up until recently, we believed this hatred stemmed from Parking Services being nothing more than a cheap, heartless bastard. However, shocking news has come into play that will likely change our perspective on the service forever: Virginia Tech Parking Services is stealing students’ souls.
Dr. Jane Doe, a professor at Virginia Tech, tells The Black Sheep, “[Parking Services] isn’t actually human. It’s a different species altogether that feeds off the souls of students in order to survive.” Dr. Doe has a PhD in anthropology from Stanford University and has been conducting research on VT Parking Services for many years.
According to Dr. Doe, when a person receives a parking ticket, a piece of his/her soul breaks off and dies. Normally the departed soul fragments rise and dissipate into the atmosphere, but VT Parking Services has found a way to capture the souls and harness their energy for survival. Dr. Doe insists, “There’s no reason to hate Parking Services; it’s just trying to live like everyone else.”
If Parking Services can take souls from anyone issued a parking ticket, why target students? Dr. Doe has an answer for that: The more broken one’s soul is, the easier it is to extract from the person and gain power from. After students pay high tuition fees, buy overpriced textbooks, and blow money on alcohol, the soul is in a fragile and weakened state. A parking ticket can be the last straw to completely crush a student’s soul.
While Dr. Doe maintains Parking Services is only doing what it must to survive, another VT professor shared a different theory with The Black Sheep. Dr. John Smith, who received a PhD in biology from Boston University, believes, “Parking Services is growing stronger each day. Years ago, it lived in harmony with the people of Blacksburg, only taking what it needed. Today it’s around every corner, issuing parking tickets to any stationary car, and feasting upon the souls of unsuspecting students.”
It’s true that students all over campus receive parking tickets on a daily – even hourly – basis. Dr. Smith continues, “If you’re away from your car for a minute, you can expect to see a parking ticket. If you’re away from your car for a day, you can expect to see at least two – no one is safe. I once parked in a carpool spot by mistake and the bastards got me. I work here, dammit!”
Whether Parking Services is abusing its power or just trying to survive, there is no question that Virginia Tech students are being negatively affected by the abundance of parking tickets. The Black Sheep spoke to the mother of Eric C., a recent VT dropout, about her son’s experience with Parking Services.
“He doesn’t speak anymore,” Mrs. C tells The Black Sheep. “He’s been in a catatonic state ever since… the incident.” According to Eric’s mother, Eric had received so many parking tickets from VT Parking Services, that he lost every last remaining piece of both his soul and his bank account. “He didn’t mean to get so many tickets… they were just so difficult to avoid. He’s been like this for months. I just want my baby back.”
While Eric’s case is a bit more extreme, Parking Services tends to be unforgiving with any student. An image recently appeared on r/VirginiaTech, which showed a student’s parked car with a handwritten note on the windshield. The note read, “My back tire popped and I couldn’t make it any further. Please show mercy.” Below the piece of paper was none other than a Virginia Tech Parking Violation Notice:
For many years, there has been great animosity between VT Parking Services and the people of Blacksburg. These feelings may all change now that truth has been uncovered; Parking Services is stealing students’ souls to survive and people may either show sympathy or be repulsed by the service even more. It is undeniable that the frequent soul extraction is harming the student body, but will this always be the case? What does the future hold for Virginia Tech and parking? One thing’s for certain: If VT Parking Services ever teams up with the local towing companies, our souls are all doomed.