Dear incoming freshmen, welcome to UD! Here at The Black Sheep, we take astrology very seriously. After conducting rigorous accuracy tests, we’ve assigned each sign a classic freshman mistake. Go find yours and avoid being that guy.
Aries: You’re the person that interrupts the professor’s riveting lecture about the molecular composition of saliva to ask to go to the bathroom. What is this, twelfth grade? You don’t need permission to do shit! Or to take a shit, tomato/ta-mah-to.
Taurus: Did you really think sliding down the book statue would be a good idea? Make sure to get tested later; you’ve probably contracted at least four STDs. No one told you that this is where drunk upperclassmen attempt their hand at exhibitionism, did they? Now you know.
Gemini: Your parents left an HOUR AGO you’ve been independent for 60 minutes, chill. You ain’t better’n anyone else. This might be hard since you have two faces, but try not to be an ass to people that could potentially wind up being your friends later on.
Cancer: You study every weekend night. If you make this a habit, your only friends will be your textbooks. In order to avoid becoming a recluse, we suggest ripping a couple shots every now and then and leaving the room to socialize with people who didn’t author books such as “Cultural Anthropology: A Perspective on the Human Condition.”
Leo: Why are you still dating your high school sweetheart? Have you SEEN the inside of the Little Bob during peak workout hours? If you can maintain a relationship during your freshman year, then you must also be able to sneeze with your eyes open.
Virgo: We get it, you drink. You brag about what and how much alcohol you consumed this weekend. The whole lecture hall knows since your decibel level is somehow higher than your alleged BAC from Saturday night.
Libra: Do not, we repeat, DO NOT hook up with floor mates! You’re the kid who moves in and immediately pinpoints potential partners on the floor. Your floor is your family. You are attempting floor-cest. Floor-cest ruins everything. Don’t ruin everything with your inbred hillbilly tendencies.
Scorpio: You’re the dickbag who leaves their wet clothes in the last available washer. Now some other person who wants to wash the vomit off of their sheets from last night has to haul your wet crap out in order to start their load. The result is a soggy mass rotting away on top of the washer. Congratulations, it’s your fault that the laundry room now reeks of mildew.
Sagittarius: You’re the roommate that doesn’t do laundry, take out the garbage, or change their sheets. So your room stinks, your roommate hates you, your floor mates are convinced that you don’t bathe regularly, and you’re a disappointment to your parents. We suggest that you invest in some soap and gain a newfound passion for personal hygiene.
Capricorn: You gain the freshman 15 and then some. Just because the dining halls are all-you-can-eat doesn’t mean you should eat it all. Remember that beer has calories too, so don’t drink away what hotness you have left after pounding three slices of carrot cake in one sitting.
Aquarius: You’re the freshman that thinks procrastinating in college will be the same as it was in high school. It’s not. You’ll spend your academic year curled up in the fetal position at 3 a.m. with notecards in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other if you don’t pull your shit together.
Pisces: You’re the dorky kid who wears a UD lanyard all around campus, blatantly announcing to everyone that yes, you are a freshman. Take that thing off, will ya? How hard is it to shove your keys into your bag just like everybody else?