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What Does Your Preferred UW Campus Bathroom Say About You?

There are a lot of things that serve as great indicators of someone’s personality. However, none are quite as telling as which bathroom choose to do their business in. Whether you’re a free spirit or more reserved, you make that painfully obvious every time you go to the bathroom on campus.


4th Floor Vilas: You are definitely someone who enjoys your own space and often gets stage fright when in crowded restrooms. Due to its small size, Vilas is never crowded; which is perfect if you enjoy watching YouTube videos while pooping (or are just flat out ashamed of the fact that you have bodily functions). And that’s okay! There’s a reason why calling someone “a piece of shit” is offensive. Ironically, you probably are a communications major. First and foremost because who would climb all those stairs if you weren’t there for a class already? Secondly, because people who hide their body’s ability to create excrement make for the best—and least disgusting—humans to have a conversation with.


Bascom Hall: You’re a simple person with simple tastes; yearning for the pioneer days of old. The loud hardwood floors and the separate faucets for hot and cold water remind you how far we’ve come, and how far we still have left to go. You’re probably a history major and, if you’re a dude, are very confident in your sexuality since there is an extremely high possibility of peeing next to another dude. Thanks for not being a fuckboy, brah.


Memorial Union Rathskeller: You’re a very organized person, probably an accounting or math major. You’ll wind up being some corporate event planner or whatever extremely organized micromanagers do. You enjoy a clearly drawn line from where you pee to where you wash up, and that’s exactly what you get. There are stalls on one end (and if you’re a dude, urinals on the other) and to the side, there are your sinks—and the best damn hand dryers on campus. Separating the dirty from the clean guarantees that when you get clean, you stay clean. That’s the kind of bathroom feng shui that helps you sleep at night.


College Library: You are the complete opposite of the aforementioned, introverted Vilas-lovers. You couldn’t give any fewer shits about who hears/smells/sees you relieving yourself of your body’s gross and unwanted waste. You own that shit and aren’t afraid to have existential conversations over a good long dukey. You always maintain eye contact over those conveniently low stall walls because you’re comfortable in this place of relief. You’re probably some sort of art major, as you’re incredibly outgoing and have a different outlook on life than most people.


Grainger Hall: You’re gonna go far kid. You’ve got a taste for high society and you won’t settle for anything less. You’re probably a business major who will go on to reap tons of doll hairs from the corporate fat cats you work for—and sell more stocks (or whatever corporate thingy you do to bring home that bacon) than Ted (who used to be top dog until you showed up) to win that trip to the Bahamas every year. Seriously, that bathroom reeks of fancy, corporate moral ambiguity. Hell, you probably even have what it takes to be a lawyer. Only the best of the best choose to “drop off the kids at the pool” here.

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