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What Spartan Moms Say, and What They Mean

 

It’s the holiday season, and it’s almost time to head home for the semester break. If you’re one of those ungrateful bastards that hasn’t thanked mom for sending that extra Spartan Cash to help you get past the harsh slap your MTH 110 TA dished you, you should really get to work, because those texts she sends you mean a lot more than asking if your laundry detergent is running out. The Black Sheep is here help you decipher what your mom is really saying.

 

“The dogs really miss you!”:

 

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If your mom is saying your dog misses you… your dog doesn’t fucking miss you. He could give less of a shit that you made it home unless it includes a jar of peanut butter and endless stomach rubs. Your mom is subtly hinting that you’re kind of a dick for leaving man’s best friend alone at home, and that’s she’s really sick and tired of picking up dog poop. The second you get home for break, she’s going to hand you a pooper-scooper.

 

“Don’t you have class?”:

 

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Your mom is asking if you have class today? The excuse that the professor cancelled class for the sixth week in the row is really going to work on her anymore. She’s wondering where her money is going, and she knows that it isn’t towards learning astronomy. This is her way of saying “Get your ass off the couch and walk fifteen minutes to Berkey. It’s not that far.”

 

“Are you learning anything from your math textbook?”:

 

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She wasn’t born yesterday, and she knows that you didn’t spend that two hundred on your math book. Plus, your cousin Becky keeps telling her that she sees you singing “Sweet Caroline” every Thursday afternoon at two. You can buy eighty pitchers of beer with that textbook money, but it won’t buy her love.

 

“Didn’t you wear that sweatshirt yesterday?”:

 

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You look like a homeless person. You’ve been wearing your booty call’s frat sweatshirt for like, six days in a row, and have you washed your hair? It’s nearing finals week, but it’s also the holiday season. This is a delicate game to play. If you play your cards right, momma might spring you a fresh set of highlights and a trip to the mall.

 

Your mom misses you, bro. That’s all that needs to be said. Ignoring her texts is only going to make an awkward trip home for the holidays. If you respond nicely, you’re looking at some grade-A bragging material, and maybe some extra swag in your Christmas stocking.

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