For freshmen and transfers who failed to get into (probably engineering) programs at better schools, their first ever semester at UNCC is coming to a close. It’s been a few months since you experienced the supposedly helpful campus orientation program, SOAR, and by now you’ve probably come to realize that your overly enthusiastic orientation counselors (OCs)… let’s say “left out” a few vital pieces of advice that may have saved your ass these next few years. Don’t worry, you’ve got The Black Sheep to fill you in.
While we know you’re excited about ~college life~, here’s what they didn’t teach you at SOAR, with Spongebob gifs to ease you into the sad truth of adulting at UNCC:
8.) Registration will be the first horrible experience at UNCC:
Because your advisor definitely refused to meet with you during SOAR, your OC will recommend you scrounge for any available class. Literally all that’s left by the time you register are the classes you don’t want or probably don’t need. You’ve heard it before: an 8 a.m. classes in high school are, for some reason (booze), 100% different than 8 a.m. in college.
Don’t take that chemistry lab at the crack of dawn just to fulfill a general education. No, you won’t finish classes early to be productive for the rest of the day. You’re just going to nap until like 5 p.m., drowning in your own drool. 8 a.m.s are for morning people, desperate seniors, and psychopaths. There’s no in between. It’s the Niner-way to stay for an extra few semesters, so try out our alternative class guide here.
7.) You might not won’t need the book:
Registration at SOAR will also come with an automatically generated list of what books you’ll need (sic) for the semester. Any book that says “recommended” instead of “required” is so not happening. Don’t even bother. In fact, don’t buy anything until you’re at least a week into the semester, so you can get a feel of whether or not that $250 textbook will be used or if you’ll use some of your withdrawal credits. Usually, UNCC likes to assign the books with a unique online code that allows you access to that bullshit online section of the class. In that case, sorry. Fork over that $250 so you’ll have no chance of re-selling.
6.) You will break a toilet (or two):
Ah yes, Crown Commons and SoVi. The all-you-can-eat buffet of wonders that entices your taste buds to explore every station that they offer at th- Oh God. What is that?! Yep, that’s right. You are literally defecating in your jeans. Buffets are fun, but not when you decide to eat 9 slices of pepperoni pizzas and an entire mountain of seasoned fries, all drowned in hot cheese sauce. Your OCs probably took you to one of the dining facilities during the first day of SOAR. How wondrous! No more cartons of cheap milk. Soda fountains! Going back for seconds and thirds. This isn’t high school anymore- yay, college!
It’s all a carefully crafted illusion. Buy the unlimited meal plan, they’ll say, you definitely won’t want all that extra DB. Lies. All lies. You’ll realize no matter how much food you intake, there’s going to be a lot more toilet casualties in the process.
5.) You know the fight song, right? – A question that will never be asked of you:
You won’t know the fight song now and you still won’t know it senior year. At some point during SOAR, all 500 of the OC’s will start singing the UNCC fight song as you and all of the other confused SOAR members will uncomfortably and quietly stand there. You don’t know the words. It’s okay. We don’t know the words. No one knows the word. Don’t feel bad. It’s part of the UNCC tradition to know nothing about the UNCC tradition. Just sway, mumble, and avoid eye contact.
4.) How great our football team is:
SOAR promoted the hell out of the football games and emphasized many times that students get in for free. Cool! But, this is because our team is pretty new and they’re trying to forcibly pump school spirit into your veins. That’s fine, but don’t be surprised when we go on a massive losing streak and our school section starts cheering for the other team.
All you need to know is that it’s always third down, and that you can leave after halftime like the rest of the student body. But it’s also the Niner way to not show any school spirit- being completely apathetic is our real game. So don’t be surprised if no one shows up to the football stadium to begin with.
3.) If you’re under 21, your social life might be…
Well, sorry. Campus life isn’t really that awesome. Especially on the weekends. Seriously. Aside from a few small parties in dorm rooms, it’s pretty quiet unless you’re into Greek life. Half of campus are commuters so they won’t be here and half of the remaining students who live on campus usually go home. The party scene isn’t really great and the clubs around here are overrated and sometimes kinda nasty. Being near 10 miles from uptown is great, but… c’mon, SOAR, don’t tell these poor freshman that they’ll have a social life when you know they’ll be binge watching Netflix in their dark dorm room, wondering where it all went wrong.
2.) Take off the lanyard:
SOAR provided you with, like, 6 different lanyards that are all that same horrible shade of green. Hopefully by now you’ve thrown them all in the garbage. Immediately. Just do it. When you wear them proudly with your pristine student ID card on the end, you look silly. And lost. So, just dump them and opt for conveniently putting your card in a regular place, like your wallet or literally anywhere else. It’s for your own good. Don’t be that freshman.
1.) The freshman 15 is cruel and vicious:
During the campus tour, all of the OCs joked about how everyday is leg day and that the freshman 15 doesn’t exist at this school because of the hills. They’re lying! Sure, you’ll be walking a lot, like 3045 minutes every weekday. But, when you’re eating terribly (see #6) and stressing yourself forward 10 pounds, it’s kinda hard to avoid unless you’re really hitting Belk Gym hard! Nothing’s wrong with gaining some weight but don’t let SOAR convince you that the UNCC freshman 15 is some sort of unicorn concept that doesn’t exist. It does exist, and it’s unforgiving of your cheesy fry sins.
There you have it! SOAR, while helpful at times, is a lying scumbag that totally leaves you helpless to the elements of UNCC. Use this list and other resources, like those zombie-looking seniors (you’re inevitably going to go from a Spongebob to a Squidward), as helpful tools as your navigate this campus for the first time. Happy travels, young Niner.