Like your choice of popcorn brand, bathroom habits, and belly button depth, your tanning spot lets others know who you are as a person. Now, before you go giving off the wrong impression, maybe you should consider checking out what your tanning spot of choice says about you. Nobody likes a tease…
Everything’s a good time to you: jokes are funny, strange people are funny, watching grass is funny. Being high 24/7 will do that to you. You’re the optimist of the group for sure. Your favorite colors are burnt yellow and bronzy orange, which, coincidentally, is probably also the color of your skin as being a stoner makes you the most prone to falling asleep outside mid-tan.
Good Time Charley’s
Everything in your life needs to be taken to the extreme. Laundry? Add Four Loko. Tax return? Add Four Loko. Tea with Grandma? Take shots of absinthe and chase with Four Loko. You’re probably the only person that still drinks Four Loko, but you don’t care, IT’S CRAZY GOOD SHIT MAN. The only person who doesn’t think you’re out of control? You. “What? No, I’m not getting that drunk, I’m just casually sipping on a few. A few fishbowls. Over the course of six hours. WHO WANTS TO TRY JUJITSU?!”
Your Front Porch/Yard
You’re a blunt, upfront person with no time for anyone’s bullshit. The only pickup line you use is “You D to bang?” You don’t feel the need to go through any formalities. You want to get tan, you just bought a new bathing suit that brings you up a few cup sizes, and the wolf whistles from the gentlemen in the cars driving by are a refreshing change from the awkward, forced small talk you have to make with the guy who serves you burgers at Hunter House. Goddamnit Keith, take a hint!
Everything with you is a façade. You’re the friend that isn’t hungry, but you’ll go with someone if they are, and then you get something because you’re already there. You don’t want to try the new Korean place 15 minutes away, but you’ll tell everyone you’re up for whatever… and then complain about it for the next 72 hours. You want to get a tan, but you don’t want people to know you want to get a tan, so you say you’re just “reading a book.” You may also be a squirrel.
The Back of a Pickup Truck
Like the many coked-up, soon-to-be-worn-out rock stars, you have no concept of reality. Why do you have a pickup truck? Why did you think that would be a good place to tan? Who’s driving the pickup truck and approved of this idea? We have more questions than answers.
Like friends, interpersonal contact, and vital nutrients, sunlight is overrated. You don’t need a tan, hell you don’t even want a tan. Why risk skin cancer, or running into your freshman year roommate, or running into hippies, when you could stay forever comfortable in the safety of your own home? The biggest perk of your couch? Netflix. The people outside may judge you for drinking alone on a Monday night, but Netflix never will.
Now that we’ve cleared that up, get up and go tan! You only have a few years left in you before your socially accepted bronzed glow turns into a socially condemned leathery orange. Except for you Harbaugh…
We’ve seen enough.