Remember what your mom say to you growing up? “You should always stereotype people and compartmentalize them into neat little boxes!” Well, Seminoles, The Black Sheep is here to help you do just that. When you meet a new person it’s best to just skip getting to know them and instead judge them on what they wear and how they act in the first 5 minutes, because it’s fun and easier to do than learning (groan) about them. Got it? Good, let’s begin.
1.) Sorority girls:
FSU sorority girls can be found sipping lemon water out of Starbucks tumblers on their way to their elementary education classes. They’re also ALWAYS dressed in their letters. They will be in their letters at their grandmother’s funerals, literally monogramming their black funeral dress so that they’re reppin’ “Alpha Beta Zeta Delta Gamma.” They usually travel in packs and can often can be found instagramming pics of themselves sorority squatting and fake laughing with their “lifelong sisters.”
2.) Frat boys:
You can’t have sorority girls without them. You can catch this opposite-of-rare breed on campus wearing pastel shorts that look like they’re borrowed from their country-club-loving uncle’s closets and Sperry’s, along with backwards baseball caps. If you hear the distant humming of the words “bro” or “dude” you can be assured that a pack of frat boys is approaching. They’re often business majors and have the types of mothers who Facebook-document their entire lives.
The FSU gamers are native to the SLC. They are a mostly-peaceful breed of human, keeping to themselves and letting their aggression out virtually. They can be found wearing ironic t-shirts and cargo shorts with thick rimmed glasses. They won’t be spotted anywhere before 6 p.m. because they’re semi-allergic to sunlight and plebeian non-gamer students.
4.) Athletes/gym rats:
Athletes at FSU are easily identifiable. If you see someone who’s a foot taller than everyone else, toting a garnet backpack with their jersey number on it, they are an FSU athlete. They will be in Nike, always, and wearing muscle shirts so you NEVER forget that they lift, bro. They can be heard from the back of the classroom scarfing down cliff bars and slurping some unidentifiable liquid that claims to contain “the bone marrow of a full grown cow, 28 fields of organic spinach, and the powdered remains of baby seahorses.”
FSU hipsters will be spotted wearing flannel, flannel, and more flannel. Hipsters can be found sipping Black Dog Cafe coffee by Lake Ella while walking their off-breed canine. They skulk around Railroad Square waiting for something interesting to happen so they can capture it on their pastel Urban Outfitter’s Polaroid cameras. They can be heard laughing loudly from 500 feet away when a person casually asks if they’re in a sorority…“WHO ME?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA of course not, I’m far too interesting for that!”
These are the students who you see whizzing through each of your organization’s events in a blur. They all have perfect teeth, have met FSU president John Thrasher on multiple occasions, and maintain a 4.0 GPA while being part of 17 different organizations. These are the students who come to class with flawless hair in 100 degree heat and always look cool, calm, and collected, even if they’re taking 19 credit hours and working part time. These people must have clones of themselves made in order to do what they do, or they just take lots and lots of Adderall. Like, a shitload of Adderall.
Freshmen have that adorable, hopeful twinkle in their eye — the one that says “college is going to be easy! And jobs will be easy to come by!” You just want to pinch their cheeks and keep them from realizing that everything is terrible. Freshmen will be found with FSU lanyards rattling around their neck while sporting that brand new Seminole T-shirt their mom bought them at the bookstore on Parent’s Weekend. You’ll surely spot the buzzing by the dining halls and sitting in the front row of Baby bio, naive smiles on their faces.