Communications majors: you know them as soon as you see them. They’re the ones stumbling out of the bar on finals weeks as you’re driving home from the library. They’re the ones L-riding to class, exiting their cars alongside a cloud of weed smoke because they’re only showing up for the iClicker attendance credit. And they’re the ones who noticeably hesitate to tell you what their major is upon being asked, for fear of being given that “oh-that-explains-why-you’re-drunk-on-a-Monday” look that has become all too familiar to them. Nationwide, these students are continuously targeted for ridicule due to their likely-feigned interest in the field of communications, the tried-and-true best academic route to pursue when your real interests involve being a drunk asshole and doing weird drugs that some hippie kid named “Stretch” sells next door (also a communications major).
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Captivated with this lifestyle and entirely envious of those who live it, The Black Sheep has actively been conducting research on the lives of these academic degenerates to see if the bad rap associated with the communications majors is really as totally awesome as it sounds. As it turns out, it ain’t all sunshine and bong over in Commland. Here’s why:
Sheer Beer Boredom
While the average reader may be shocked to see the words “beer” and “boredom” in the same sentence together, let alone parallel to each other, the horrors of Beer Boredom are a real thing that all communications majors experience. Apparently, drinking beer on a consistent, prolonged basis can trigger an association in which you become temporarily disinterested in engaging in any and all forms of intoxication, these forms including but not limited to: getting hammered, sauced, blitzed, bent nasty, and of course, wavy as a mo’fucka.
This condition occurs after an extended period of time of having absolutely nothing pressing written in the metaphorical agenda except for a large bold word proclaiming “BOOZE,” scribbled from September to December, January to March. In some instances, the Beer Boredom can strike a Commy faster if some sort of job or parental intervention isn’t in the picture come summertime — effectively enlisting the person into a year-round vicious circle of booze. This may sound a lot like the ideal lifestyle post lottery win or distant rich-relative-death-inheritance, but Beer Boredom is very real, and understandably very frightening.
Victims of the Curriculum
You’ll often hear engineering students complain about how hard their circuits class is, or how hard being a virgin is. Communications students usually don’t have to deal with the latter, but where the former is involved, even the most challenging courses can’t touch the courses prepared for the Commys. This is because the course content is so mind numbingly boring, so absurdly common sense, so asininely elementary, that it should be considered a punishment more so than an educational experience.
Every time a communications professor stands behind the podium on the first day of class and asserts that the “textbook is required,” they have to fight back laughter as well as the overwhelming urge to do the jerkoff motion. There is absolutely nothing in there that you don’t already know, lest you were raised in the forest by a bunch of dumbass deer, and even then you’d probably still pass any comm exam with at least a C. All in all, it would almost be better off to be forced to learn actually pertinent, useful information than the shit that can be found in those $179.99 textbooks of common sense. Reportedly, those 15-minute study sessions prior to a communications exam can be brutal.
The Gateway Major
With so much free time on their hands, communication majors naturally burn a big percentage of their days away with a little help from the ol’ Devil’s Lettuce. While all of the normal college kids are out at class or the library, Commys spend all day either drunk, high or, more likely, both. However, once you’ve Netflixed every single Pokémon episode ever made, ate all of your roommate’s food and have become a little too good at constructing blanket forts, the apathy sets in and there’s a yearn for something… more. Something that weed doesn’t provide anymore. Something that will add some excitement to their dull, stagnant lives. Something… drugs.
That’s right: Communications majors are the most likely people on a college campus to seek out hallucinogens such as LSD, shrooms, and sometimes they hear eating a shitload of nutmeg will do the trick. As their friends and roommates are off learning how to plot the slope intercept of the x-axis, communications majors are frolicking in the woods absolutely freaking out over a tree that “totally looks like an old dude taking a shit” and discussing the ramifications of electing a bird as mayor.
Too Many Job Opportunities
This is where the major misconception about the communications major primarily lies. Contrary to popular belief it is entirely possible to gain hold of a job shortly after graduating with that esteemed communications degree. For example, 90% of all graduate communications students contacted for our study reported that they’re happily employed. In fact, many of them noted that they experienced somewhat of a crossroads post graduation, as they were so unsure of which job offer they should take.
Allegedly this was such a big problem that graduate students are positive that their biomedical engineering or business administration major counterparts could not possibly have been faced with such a difficult decision. Although it was quite the struggle at first to decide which employer they would pick, the communications majors are now all hard at work at their part-time jobs, including roles such as Walmart Greeter, Stop & Shop cart pusher, FroyoWorld attendant, bus driver, and even the assistant manager of a Chinese all you can eat buffet (The Black Sheep later learned that this position was directly due to being the son of the owner of said buffet).
In sum, let the misconception of Communications students having college degrees served to them on a silver platter be no more. While any other major’s road to graduation may be a rocky road of pragmatic, applicable knowledge and hard work, theirs is paved with extreme boredom and common sense, abundant alcohol, drugs and Netflix. It’s a hard knock life for certain, but somebody has to be there to scan your groceries 10 years from now when you’re buying 10 pounds of shrimp to celebrate the establishment of your new law firm. Think about this the next time that you’re tempted to laugh after someone tells you they’re majoring in communications; instead, save that laughter for when you meet a human development and family studies major.