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Why You’re Not Going to Study

With midterms in full swing, it is officially the season of college students being given inhumane amounts of work to do. Thankfully, college has the uncanny ability of teaching students the ultra-essential life skill of procrastination.


Sometimes it feels as though there is so much to do, that you might as well not do anything at all. In actuality, you’re simply surrounded by things that suck the fun out of daily life. Studying and schoolwork in college merely serve as a catalyst in the exponential increase of both your caffeine and Adderall usage and is also the reason you’re binge drinking at a new level.


Fortunately, there is something you can do to get through this dreadful and terrifying time: procrastinate! Based on an extremely accurate and scientific polling of UW-Madison students, here’s a breakdown of the top four ways students on campus choose to procrastinate:


4.) Taking a Nap: “I’m going to go to the library, get a shit ton of studying done, and then be able to get to sleep at a reasonable time tonight!” Mhm. Sure. That’s what they all say. Upon making this logical plan, you begin thinking about all of the things you actually have to get done, and the mere action of thinking about that is exhausting. “Wow, I’m suddenly so tired. I’ll just take a twenty minute power nap, and THEN I will go to the library and study my ass off.” Totally. Five hours later, you wake up from your “power nap.” Seeing as it’s gotten so late, and having accomplished nothing, you decide to continue sleeping because clearly you need to catch up on sleep in order to be successful at studying and are not just using that as an excuse to get out of studying for the night.


3.) Binge Watching Your Favorite Netflix Show: Netflix over everything at all times. This is common knowledge.


2.) Excessively Cleaning: “Wow, has the apartment always been this dirty? Look at that spec of dust! This place is a fucking mess.” Suddenly, you notice every little trace of dirt and every crumb on the counter. Clearly, you must clean the pigsty that is your humble abode before you can even think about studying. Sure, the apartment being spotless never mattered to you before, but it does now and when your roommates ask, it has nothing to do with you trying to put off studying.


1.) Getting Too Drunk To Study: “I’ll just go out for a little bit,” “guys, I can only have one shot; I have to get up early tomorrow and study all day.” You tell yourself that you’ll go easy that night, that you won’t take shots, that you’ll only stick to beer and mixed drinks. That’s all bullshit and you know it. You have so much pent up frustration from studying it feels as though you might explode, and the only remedy for that is a series of shots at the bar. You tell everyone you’re going to be responsible and just drink a little, but deep down you have every intention of going out and getting schwasty AF in order to temporarily relax and forget about your upcoming exams. What’s that? It’s the following day and you’re hungover? Oopsies, guess you have to postpone studying again. Shucks. 


Regardless of whether you’re procrastinating or on top of your game, go get drunk this weekend because you attend one of the top ranked universities in the world and for this you deserve a shot or six.

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