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How to Winter-Proof Your Room at Pitt

 

Pittsburgh winters are notoriously cold, and arrive tragically early. Many local students remember times when they couldn’t go trick or treating because there was like two or three inches of snow on the ground. Now that they can get drunk on Halloween, that isn’t a problem, as drunk people are obviously impervious to frostbite. We here at The Black Sheep know that it can be hard to prepare for your first Pittsburgh winter, so we’ve compiled a list of steps on how to winter-proof your dorm.

 

Close Your Windows

We shit you not, some freshman keep the windows open until mid-February. If peaceful negotiation fails, a coup may be necessary, or at least suggest they move out. If it’s snowing through the window and onto your bed, it’s time to stand up. Shut the window when it’s chilly, but keep an eye out for the rare really warm days in November.

 

Get a Hook Up

It’s not a coincidence that cuffing season happens during the coldest months of the year. Share body heat with a partner, and everyone gets to stay a little warmer. Look on Tinder, Bumble, or maybe even Yik Yak (if you’re desperate) for your new beau, but make sure to dump them before it gets warm again.

 

Build a Bonfire in Your Lounge

Building a fire in the lounge is a win-win for everybody on your floor. You get warmth, people can make S’mores, and the hipster kid can serenade you all with Wonderwall on his acoustic guitar. Just sacrifice the nearest biology book you haven’t opened yet, or the nearest virgin. Whichever is more convenient.

 

Dress Entirely in Wool

Wool sweater. Wool pants. Wool underpants. Wool blanket. Wool hat. Wool gloves. Extra wool sweater, just for fun. Congrats, you are now a sheep.

 

Infuriate Your Roommate 24/7

The heat of their anger will keep you warm at night. This pairs really nicely with getting a hookup, as having someone over every night is the number one reason students cite when asked why they killed their freshmen roommates. Don’t make them too angry, though, because you need to actually survive the winter.

 

Wrap Yourself in Tinfoil Every Night

This isn’t the most comfortable solution, but if tinfoil can keep your burritos warm on the long trek home from Chipotle, then it can keep you warm all winter long. Start saving your burrito wrappers now, and by time the snow is sticking, you’ll have enough to last all winter long. While you’re at it, you might as well line your room in tin foil.

 

Stuff All Your Summer Clothes Under the Door

This will not only open up space in your closet for your new wool ensemble, but will also trap all the heat into your room. This has the added effect of creating a handy barrier for the door, meaning that you can’t get out and can totally miss class.

 

Kidnap a Campus Squirrel and Force It to Run on a Treadmill that is Connected to a Heater

While this idea is kinda nuts, it’s still pretty ingenious. Just make sure to feed it, because dead squirrels are no fun. They’re also smelly.

 

Look, it’s gonna get cold. The sheer fact that this guide came out in mid-October should be evidence enough that things are going to get frigid really fast. So, whether you’ve survived 20 Pittsburgh winters before, or this will be your first, try out these tips in order to maximize your chances of surviving the next five months of winter. Pitt might be a freezing hellhole of frost and snow, but on the bright side, we’re not Penn State.

 

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