It’s the most wonderful time of the year… not Christmas, you fools, Wisconsin Badger Football season. It’s a time where there’s no animosity towards waking up early on a Saturday morning. Though the tailgating is enough to make a game day the best day of your life, it’s undeniable that football is the star of the show here (you should already know this, though…I mean, it’s a fucking FOOTBALL game).
However, if you somehow don’t know much about the sport, don’t worry — The Black Sheep has got you covered! Here’s an honest preview of the 2014 Wisconsin Football season that will brush up your football knowledge before the first game day.
Junior Tanner McEvoy will be starting in the season opener game against LSU as quarterback. This will leave Joel Stave, a man who incites much debate among Badgers and has an amazing hair care regimen, to sit on the sidelines questioning where he went wrong in life/whether or not that was him in the mirror this morning or Sunshine from Remember The Titans.
We lost James White, Jared Abbrederis, and Jacob Pederson (along with other important people, but they won’t be included in this for the sake of word count). On record, we’d like to say that we have confidence that these large shoes can be filled by the rest of the team. Off record, we’re actually saying “sonofabitch, what the fuck are we gonna do now?”
However, there is still a widely talented group of people we’re dealing with. You got Melvin Gordon, a running back who pretty much only said no to entering the NFL draft this year because he wants a Heisman and/or another year of Badger biddies crawling all over him. You got our offensive line, one of the best the nation has to offer. You also got beer in case any of these things fall through… which, they might (things DO happen).
Bret Bielema probably has an STD by now. Yeah, we know he hasn’t been in Wisconsin for a while, but the hatred for him will always be here—and side note, it will always be hilarious that he was behind the only season in which Arkansas didn’t win an SEC game.
You don’t know freshman safety Lubern Figaro yet, but you most likely will. Jersey chasers, this is your cue to hop on early. However he’s only a freshman, so get creative in your approach to bagging athletes and look outside the Kollege Klub for this one. But don’t turn into some kind of football mom, that’d be… weird.
Former kicker Kyle French will probably spend the entire season with a bottle in his hand and the memory of past angry tweets from annoyed Badger fans in his head.
Our defensive line could probably use some help in the wake of losing so many seniors…perhaps some leadership or Jesus.
We’re probably gonna be good. Not like the greatest in all the land good, but… good. With that, happy football season, Badgers. May your legs always be stable for “Jump Around,” and your beer always be cold.