EAST LANSING, MI – With the ever-increasing pressure to be at the top of the national rankings, American universities compete in a plethora of new categories to attract prospective students to their hallowed walls of learning. While only a decade ago choosing a college came down to a simple question of “what feels right?” universities all over the nation are now competing for the top sports teams, the best food, and now: the most unique world records.
This spring, Michigan State University plans to appeal to middle school and high school students by hosting an event to recreate a larger-than-life version of their targets’ favorite pastime: yelling the word “penis” over and over at increasing volume. The university plans to host this event in the International Food Court, giving potential Spartans the chance to express their first amendment rights while also being exposed to the highlights of MSU, such as the posh Spartan Bookstore, the well-varied options of the Food Court, and, of course, the infamous preachings of the Wells Hall Preacher.
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“My brother lives in a very affluent neighborhood, and I went to visit his family recently,” explained MSU administrator and penis-shouting pioneer Eric Lundman. “My nephew and his friends are all excellent students, but are also…shitty little kids. The whole time I was there, they just ran around yelling expletives at each other.” He raised a finger knowingly. “It dawned on me that it would be hip and trendy if there were a place where they could play their little games without having to worry about disturbing the people around them, I’m expecting this to be a great marketing success!”
Keep your eyes and ears open around campus for more information on this event. The MSU Dairy Store, Rice Kitchen, and Jonna’s 2 Go have already made sizable donations, and the bar is only getting bigger! Remember, Spartans Will: Yell “Penis” the Loudest and the Longest.