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Your Tuition and You: How UMN is Screwing Us All

 

Plenty of college students try to breeze through their tuition bills as fast as they can so they don’t start choking on their tears as they surrender their bank account to the University. Unfortunately, those who choose to turn a blind eye to what’s actually packed into their monstrous tuition bills are ignorant to the true culprit of high educational price tags: fees. After some intense research, the actual purpose of these student fees were revealed, and the findings will shock you.

 

$430.51 Student Services Fee:

 

studentservicefee

 

This hefty fee is allocated to a fascinating array of different student services and clubs. It’s incredible to see how much the University cares about diversity by distributing $0.09 from every student to the African Student Association, and promotes advanced learning by distributing a whopping $0.06 to the University Honors Program Student Association! But most importantly over $100 per student goes straight to the Rec Center, because a state-of-the-art HydroMassage machine complete with a TV touchscreen is way more important than secondary needs like equity and high quality education.

 

It should also be noted that the University is also very clearly bipartisan when it comes to distributing money for political groups? #scandal

 

politicalfee

 

 

$75 Capital Enhancement Fee:

 

Capitalenhancementfee

 

Anyone who pays the student services fee (so…every student) must pay this fee as well. It’s like a BOGO for the University. According to the website’s explanation, this is the money that goes to facility maintenance and construction. So if any more rodent statues appear on campus during your time at the U, at least you’ll know your $75 went towards meaningful improvement.

 

$12.50 Stadium Fee:

 

stadiumfee

 

Although plenty of students go through their entire college career without stepping foot into TCF stadium, every college student will pay this “fee” for stadium usage. Also, we’re not entirely sure what those vague “other University functions,” but there’s a chance it could go towards a 30-foot long hot tub exclusively for the football team, like the University of Alabama.

 

$??? International Student Fees:

 

intnlstudentfees

 

Yeah, basically there’s a whole shit-ton of fees for international students, because the money and time-consuming process of being an international student wasn’t enough. We’re not sure why the University is taxing international students for being international students, but rumor has it that students from North Dakota will start having similar fees as well.

 

$24 Transportation Fee:

 

transportationfee

 

Onestop will tell you that this fee goes towards funding the UPASS program. After some digging, we found out that the “Transportation Fee” actually goes directly into the administrative fatcat’s pockets so each executive member of the administration can buy themselves hoverboards for their own personal use. *gasp*

 

$2.84 Minnesota Student Association (MSA) Fee:

 

msafeww

 

As if the federal and state government aren’t taxing us enough. It looks like the prospective politicians in MSA are following in their footsteps by charging students almost as much as a full slice of Mesa. #ThanksObama #ThanksStangler

 

$0.03 Pokemon League Fee:

 

pokemonfee

 

Out of all of these extraneous fees, this fee makes the most sense. If only we could give more. Learn more about the UMN’s Pokemon League here and find out how you can help enable the young Gym Leaders of the future.

 

As you can see, there is a plethora of sneaky ways that the university squeezes more imaginary money from your pockets. Hopefully you’ve put your Christmas and stripping money into savings, because your financial contract to the U isn’t going anywhere. At least now you know where your tens of thousands of dollars are going, and hopefully you can sleep at night knowing your hard-earned money will be funneled into important factors, like the Fraternity Purchasing Association, so let the cheap keg beer flow.

 

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