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10 Things That Happen When You Touch the DO NOT TOUCH! Desks in Classroom Building I

You’ve doing something as risky and dangerous as touching the infamous DO NOT TOUCH! desks in CB1 will break you out of your rut. Call it wishful thinking, but here’s what will (or should) happen when you touch the forbidden furniture.

10.) Nothing at all:
When you’re hoping for that “F” to turn into an “A” or a class to be cancelled, think again. The desks aren’t genies in lamps, no matter how much of a Mouseketeer you are. The only thing magical about these desks is the amount of hours and work you’ll be putting into them.

9.) Construction workers will tell you not to touch it:
Finally, proof that UCF is Under Construction Forever. That warning from the construction workers was more work than they’ve actually completed on campus. And you managed to add to the lack of work even further. What’s another delay anyway?

8.) Rent-A-Pup gives you a puppy “for free”:
Student stress is a special kind of stress. When it all seems like knowledge on some days and chores on others, the best relief there is can be found in a cute little doggo. Pet Rescue by Judy decided to come to your rescue with a free dog to take home. Kiss your academic dog days good-bye!

7.) You gain the wisdom and hijinks of previous students— Highlander style:
That kid from sophomore year that always raised his hand in class but had to makeup test days is now you. Like in Highlander, you’ll have the skills you need to succeed and all the lazy practices of a professional procrastinator. It’s a double-edged sword being a student and unlike Highlander, the desks won’t make you immortal.

6.) You get your graduation garb in the mail the next day:
Like the Owl Postal Service from Harry Potter, you find out your graduating sooner than later. After all this time, after all the headaches, group projects, and papers with ridiculous requirements, the only thing you had to learn was where to find this magical desk. Don’t rush all at once now, Pandora’s box has hope but it also has horror.

5.) The UCF Police raid the building:
You place your hand on the desk and go about your business until you have a UCF Policeman in your face. He takes you in for questioning for every possible undisclosed reason you can think of. After giving the “wrong” answers they decide to let you go and place a hold on your account. Now you can’t graduate on time and the irony is that’s the desk you’ll probably be using for another semester.

4.) The desks bear haunted UCF secrets:
The Pegasus Seal can be stepped on without the fear of not graduating; the real curse is learning all of UCF’s darkest secrets. The garden outside the Student Union is just a cover for the secret garden that grows addictive foods so that you’ll always eat on-campus whether you want to or not! The bottom floor of the library hosts ritual meetings for the Knights Templar at night and Dale Whittaker is their new puppet! Ignorance truly is bliss.

3.) The desks are actually fertility statues:
UCF has its share of statues already but this was unexpected. For some strange reason women start to crave Chipotle, and more than usual. Guys start having sympathy pains for women they don’t know. This can only mean two things: you’re pregnant with matching bar stools or you’re the next Thomas Beatie.

2.) Endless writer’s block:
Good luck finishing assignments when your mind is always empty. It’s the writer’s block that keeps on blocking with no inspiration in sight. Your muse is on vacation getting a tan in Greece while you sit there burning the candle at both ends.

1.) You take the place of the desk until someone else breaks the rules:
By far the worst thing imaginable is becoming an inanimate object with no words to say. You stand there envying the passersby with places to go as you regret misreading the sign. Worst game of tag, ever.

Rules were meant to be broken, at least some of them. Without rules, there would be no check and balance. So remember, read from left to right, read between the lines, but never forget to read the sign.

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