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5 Tips for Combatting UCF’s Fertilizer Week

 

UCF has planned a full week of concerts, comedy shows, and even fireworks to celebrate its annual Homecoming Week. Student happiness is at an all time high. Everyone is smiling. But for every yin there’s a yang, for every high there’s a low. And how is the administration compensating for treating their tuition-paying students oh so nice this week? By making the entire campus smell like crap. Literally. When UCF decides it’s time to fertilize its luscious green landscape with cow poop, everybody just feels a little gross. Here are a couple of tips to thrive and survive without getting down in the dumps.

 

5.) Lab gear:
Grab your hazmat suit from the Chemistry department and walk around Walter White style. As those around you cover their mouths and gag, you won’t smell a thing. Plus when a random Tri Delt accidentally spills her mason jar contents on you as she’s power walking through the Union, you’ll be safe and dry.

 

4.) Breathe through your mouth:
This is already second nature to your gator-wrestling, “born and raised” Floridian friends so just take a cue from them.

 

 

3.) Buy like 13 of those tree-shaped car air freshers and hang them around your neck:
Careful with this one. If you stand still for too long, some stoners will come and try to set up their hammocks on you. And if you let them, you’ll have to just stand there for hours while they play their ukuleles disharmoniously and talk about what they’d want to be reincarnated as. By the end of their hangout, you’re left with serious doubts about whether Misty would really be a preying mantis in her next life.

 

2.) Skip class:
Fecal matter is as good an excuse as any to skip, right? Really milk it and write a long email about how the smell is affecting your health, how your head seems foggy, how you can’t focus on anything, blah blah blah. Don’t go overboard though or it could lead your professor to actually petition for change, which is way too much work and dedication for you. Complain at a moderate level and maybe they’ll understand.

 

1.) Go get some Qdoba and contribute to the stench:
This is the one time of year you can rip one and no one can decidedly blame you. Cut loose and let it fly. If anyone looks in your direction, shrug and say, “Darn fertilizer”. Add a mischievous smile afterwards for some flair.

 

Eventually the smell just becomes a sadistic UCF rite of passage, one which requires some frequent stops in buildings for fresh air and possibly ordering a gas mask on Amazon. After a week or so, the regular scents of Chick-fil-A, weed, and Axe body spray will return and the student body can once again delight in all of UCF’s delicious glory.

 

 

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