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5 Ways to Prep for the Universal Knights Online Ticket Distribution

The game has changed. No more lines, no more interpersonal communication, just a good ol’ fashioned online showdown. UCF’s computer maintenance team is preparing their diapers for March 25th –when the tickets become available on Ticketmaster. Now, each student has a fair chance in this fight. At 4 p.m., tickets go live. Every minute, tens of thousands of students will flood the system and tickets will vanish faster than you can blink. You need to be trained and prepped like a Gladiator before his game, a Samurai before a duel, or a Politician before a bribe. Here are 5 things you should do to prep for the Universal Knights online ticket distribution showdown:

5.) Hand exercises:
Masturbating isn’t one of ‘em. You’re going to want to stretch daily, relaxing your knuckles, making your fingers nimbler and quicker. Playing with a Tech Deck might help.

4.) Buckle-up:
Except this time you’re clicking it because you want a ticket. You’re probably wondering what this means. Well, let’s just say, we don’t how rough things might get in those first few minutes of the tickets being available so you might want to fasten yourself to your computer chair – although I’m not sure how the how the staff would react if you were to do this in the John C. Hitt Library.

3.) Magnifying glasses:
It’s kind of a play on words. Like a magnifying glass, but instead they’re glasses (those things that nerds wear). Anyway, if you’re trying to get the real up-close and immersive experience, which might help you focus, take some magnifying glasses and tape those suckers to your head and bam! you’re in business.

2.) Making a few deals:
For every market, there’s a black market where things are bought for cheap, or with blood. If you’re willing to dip your toes into the slime-pools of crime then you just might be able to ensure that you get a ticket this year. Pay a few people off, slide a few bucks under the table, cut a few Horse heads off, “take care” of some of the competition beforehand, and you just might get what you came for.

1.) Cheat the system:
If you really want to make sure you’re not just another loser without a ticket like those bums from Willy Wonka, then it’ll take no small amount of cunning and resourcefulness. First, create a self-regenerating energy source from AAA batteries, toothpicks, a jar of pickles, five threads of silk, and some half-eaten pizza crust. Next, plug your computer into this device. Lastly, go to the local energy plant and unplug everything; do this at about 3:45 p.m. on the distribution date. This way – unless some other mad genius did the exact same thing – you will be the only one in the system at the time of the ticket release, thus getting the first and most important ticket all to yourself, at the expense of all those other boners who couldn’t figure it out first.

If you’re not willing to do any of these things to help your chances at getting the ticket, well, go fuck a duck. You want to be a champion?! You want to go to Universal Studios?! Then get your shit together, make some sacrifices, get your hands dirty, and get yourself a frickin’ ticket! 

Need something for your pregame? Try our Vine Power Hour:

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