Flunking out before classes even start? If you need a backup plan for a career, you might want to consider taking over President Dale Whittaker’s job. You might be thinking that it might be a hard job, but really college students don’t really need a lot of things. With these few minor changes, you’ll be UCF’s new president before Whittaker gets a say in the matter.
5.) End all problems and open Chick-fil-A on Sundays:
What do college students crave more than shotgunning a beer at a frat party? Chick-fil-A on a Sunday. Now we know what you’re thinking: Chick-fil-A on a Sunday = impossible. Wrong! Rumors from a former CFA employee made us believe otherwise. Access to CFA every day of the week will not only make you more popular than the CFA cow itself, but it’ll also guarantee you president of UCF.
4.) Turn the Reflecting Pond into a water park:
In honor of the Reflecting Pond being opened again, because for some unknown reason it was closed, you might as well give it more purpose than the one time a year every student jumps in for some rubber ducks. Help students beat this disgusting Florida heat and add some water slides and tubes to the Reflecting Pond.
3.) Make parking services go away:
What’s more annoying than having to go to class? Having to search for a non-existent parking spot, then getting a ticket because there were no spots left. This reoccurring issue is half the reason why students don’t even bother going to class. The other reason is pure laziness, but that’s not the point. The point is that parking service people are assholes and need to go.
2.) Make all classes online:
What beats going to class in your 4 p.m. class in your pj’s? Going to class while still in bed. If you really want to win Knights over and beat Whittaker to the presidency, then make UCF go fully digital with online classes. This will also solve the parking problem, and campus will no longer be crowded, resulting in space for more unnecessary shit.
1.) If all else fails, end all the annoying construction:
UCF, under construction forever, yeah yeah yeah, we know. Take away that loud ass construction that distracts students from concentrating on their studies, and make campus peaceful again. By ending construction, students will stop stepping on nails, and will no longer have to take a 50-minute route to class rather than a 5-minute route.
Think you can make these changes possible? You better head over to UCF and demand to run against Whittaker before he takes over. Students will love you for Chick-fil-A Sunday’s and online classes.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: