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6 People Who May or May Not Replace John C. Hitt

As the search for a new president continues, the community grows more curious every day. UCF’s search committee has announced that they will have selected John C. Hitt’s replacement by March 29th. A list of potential candidates has surfaced, but we decided to ignore the official list, and come up with a list of our own. Here are 6 people who may or may not replace Hitt as UCF’s next president.

6.) A Student Union janitor:
If there’s anyone who knows this university, it’s the people who clean up after it. Consuela’s day has come. No more shit-wiping, trash-collecting, or pushing around a janitorial cart. Her time has come to take the university’s throne and clean up this place – both literally and figuratively. Not that we’d ever accuse UCF of being corrupt or anything….

5.) Scott Frost:
We will literally do anything to have him back, even if that means putting the administrative stability of our school in his football-molded hands.

4.) Nick Larkins:
So, you want to be a big shot, huh? Mr. President, that sort of thing? Well, you’ve got it. You think being SGA president is a crap-milkshake, wait’ll you get a load of this!

3.) General Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis:
It’s about time this school gets whipped into shape. That means campus-wide push-ups starting at 0600 and ending whenever the General says you’ve had enough. You eat when told to, you speak when spoken to, and sooner or later this university will be pumping out some ass-kicking, respectful sons of bitches, ready to work hard and yell louder than any other college in this nation of lazy, unappreciative pansies.

2.) Travis Bickle (from Taxi Driver):
Speaking of cleaning up the filth, there probably isn’t a single fictional character out there with more drive – no pun intended – to clean up the junk and human waste that corrupt the morality and stature of this great school. And Bickle’s got the answer tucked away in his holster, ready to go: “Are you talking to me?”

1.) Darth Vader:
So, you thought it’d be a good idea to cheat, huh? Well, you won’t feel so smart anymore when you’re floating five feet in the air, holding onto your throat, gasping for dear life. You didn’t know the power of the dark side, but now you’ll die a painful death and receive a “F” as your final grade in that class. Nothing escapes the dark lord.

Maybe you’d be excited for these candidates to take the presidential mantle, maybe you’re scared shitless. Either way, don’t worry because not a single person from this made up list will actually become president of our university, just like Trump “didn’t have a chance of becoming president of the U.S.” Oh, wait.


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