Libra. No one lives there by choice. The inhabitants of the Libra freshman dormitories are a motley crew of questionable characters. Some of the inhabitants are there because they didn’t get their top pick for housing (the enviable Neptune or Towers). Others just belong in that shithole. It’s rather sad, too. The gleaming, hopeful eyes of freshman as they arrive at their dorms, only to find their new homes lathered in bodily fluid, jail-house utilities, and a roommate that makes you wonder whether he/she is even in college – or under 30. Anyway, here’s 7 freshman experiences one may encounter living in Libra.
7.) Real-life-amateur porno:
You didn’t ask for it, but you got it! You’re lying in bed, then suddenly your drunk roommate returns and does the dirty stuff a fart away from you. Sure it’s awkward, and annoying, but what are going to do, say something? “Excuse me, can you stop fornicating so I can fucking sleep? Thanks.” Don’t try it. Just cover your ears, count to ten, and imagine a nice happy place where there’s no sex, only unicorns, yeah, imagine the pretty unicorns, that’s it.
6.) Award-winning customer service:
You mistake the maintenance guy for a serial-killing-rapist-cannibal and then let him in on the off-chance he’s the plumber. But who can blame you, you’re desperate. Your sink hasn’t worked in a month, the air conditioning vent drips pink ooze on your pillow, and the Barbie-sized shower spewed green milk while you we’re trying to touch yourself, in private– considering it’s the only place you can get some goddamn peace and quiet, and now even that doesn’t work.
5.) The weird roommate:
You never can win. Only people’s friends get good roommates with whom they can bond with. It’s like a good roommate doesn’t exist, like it’s a big Truman-show conspiracy and there are no such thing as normal people. So you get stuck with a thumb-sucking, video-game dominator who isn’t afraid to watch erotic Japanese cartoons with you studying no more than a few feet away. So what? Could be worse. Could be a bumbling, burping, farting numbskull who blasts music all day long as if the whole world was begging to hear his Iron Maiden playlist. Oh wait, that’s the guy next door.
4.) The leak:
The room started to smell bad a few weeks ago, but you blamed your roommate, creating an awkward tension every time you’re both in the room together. But whatever, you never liked each other anyway. Now the floor is damp, and the smell is much more sharp than it was before. Your roommate blames you, you blame him, and the leak continues to dampen the room. Soon, your room will become fertile soil for vegetation and insects to flourish and conquer. But you haven’t notified maintenance because you’re too scared of the possibility that it is not in fact a leak, but you pissing your pants every night.
3.) The shifting front line:
You’ve held back the enemy despite their push against your front line of defense. But while you were in class, they pushed their belongings just a little bit further onto your side of the room. It’s a gradual, insidious progression, but eventually, you’ll come to realize that your roommate has completely taken over the room, your belongings, and your dignity to say anything.
2.) The hot-box:
Maybe you do drugs, maybe you don’t. It doesn’t matter. Sooner or later, one of those drug-addicted bums is going to gather the gall to smoke a fatty in their room with their clan of Rastafarians. And despite your best efforts, you’re going to be a part of it. Everybody on the whole third floor is getting a toke of that shit.
1.) The creepy intruder:
He’s been standing outside the building for two days, has a beard, carries a shopping cart with his hairless cat inside, and keeps asking you to let him to the building with your key. You asked him if he lives there but his only response is, “Come on, man. I’m majoring in math, man. Just let me in.” So you let him. Big deal. Now there are six SWAT team helicopters surrounding the building saying over the loud speaker, “Let the students live or we’ll be forced to open fire. Actually, let most of them live and we can make a deal.”
Well, there you have it, kids. If you’re considering where you want to live your freshman year, try your best to not let it be Libra – or Apollo, which is basically a more crammed and smelly version of Libra. Don’t be a lazy bastard, find a cool roommate in advance, choose your preferred living space long before the deadline, or be doomed to suffer the horrors listed above. Good luck.
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