As the winds and rain start hitting tonight, you’ll look around the room at the people you’re stuck with for the next few days and wonder how you ended up here. Here’s the breakdown of your top-notch Irma survival crew.
7.) The Hoarder:
This guy normally lives off a diet of Mountain Dew and ramen noodles, but suddenly needs cases of water bottles lining the walls and an underground bunker of canned vegetables. He needs it all for himself—until he realizes he’s going to get stuck with all of it after the storm. Then he’ll be as generous as ever, passing them out like Mother Teresa just so that he won’t need a forklift to get all his shit back into Lake Claire.
6.) Mr. “Tougher Than Nature”:
Doesn’t even know what everyone is going on about. Claims he’s going to go skinny dip in the Reflection Pond. Yeah, that’s right. He doesn’t even care. At all. By the end of Day 2 he’ll open the window and start trying to punch the storm away.
5.) The Quasi-Alcoholic:
Stocks up on booze instead of any practical supplies. Gets everyone wasted at Library right before the storm. Spends the first day inside just pouring everyone shots and toasting to “Irma, you crazy bih!” But as soon as the alcohol runs out, she’ll become a hungover grouch.
4.) The Martyr:
She saw the opportunity for sympathy on Facebook and damn, did she take it. She shares her own survival tips and posts pictures of empty Walmart shelves like she’s a war refugee. Her latest post? “To all my friends and family who are concerned, I am safe…for now. The wind is starting to pick up. Hopefully we don’t lose power anytime soon or I’ll have to turn my phone off. Prayers are appreciated in this dark time. :(“
3.) The Florida Veteran:
The grandpa of the group. Will tell stories about Hurricane Charlie like 80 times throughout the next few days. Most likely to survive. You sometimes think they’re getting a little too “zombie apocalypse” about all of this, though. You make a mental note to check their bags for weapons while they’re sleeping.
2.) The Host:
Took it upon themselves to invite way too many people over to her tiny off-campus apartment. Completely disorganized. Will spend most of the hurricane running around asking guests if they need anything and then not providing any of it because she wasn’t prepared. Will eventually end up locking herself in her bedroom, leaving everyone else to fend for themselves in the living room.
The only one here who’s not completely insane.
While they may not be the best and brightest Knights you’ve ever met, at least you have an unlikely group of friends to keep you company during the storm. Remind each other to stay safe and don’t be idiots.