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7 Ways UCF Students Can Ignore All The Bullshit for Just a Minute

Ever read a textbook about managerial accounting or quantum mechanics and just think to yourself, “What if I just said ‘fuck it’?” You’re not alone. School, work, stress; these are the things that always seem to distract people from their passions, from the true meaning of life, from mental harmony and eternal happiness. But not to worry, there are ways in which you too can transcend the dull trenches of humanity and fulfill your universal purpose right here in the UCF neighborhood.

7.) Get trippy:
Drop acid, walk into the Arboretum, and humbly accept the fact that you may not return with both shoes, or alive. Also, don’t be afraid to lose it – a little. Talk to some squirrels, fondle a tree, rub your face against some poisonous (but pretty) vegetation; get lost.

6.) Meditate:
Sit criss-cross-apple-sauce on the dock at Lake Claire (facing the lake obviously, knuckle-head). Then, you’re gonna want to hum for, give or take 16 hours, no stopping. Don’t forget to close your eyes. If you’re not levitating after 20 hours, you did something wrong, return to step one.

5.) Jam out:
Listen to The Beatles, and then perfectly recite and perform their entire discography.

4.) Science stuff:
Watch this video of Richard Feynman talking about the molecular composure of our universe. You will weep because of how stupid you were before watching it.

3.) Explore:
Travel to India. There’s no particular reason for this step, but pretty much anyone who travels to India comes back with long hair and a beard, answering questions with questions, and permanently wears sandals no matter the occasion.

2.) Get wild:
This one may seem rough for some folks. You’re going to start by getting naked as the day you were born. Then, you’ll want to walk into the wilderness. Once you’ve counted a day’s worth of walking, that oughta be enough to do the trick. For the following month (remember, approx. 30 day-times and night-times) you’ll live among the wild and live the life of a feral animal. We even suggest howling and shit, you know, get the full experience, don’t be shy. If you make it, well, you’ll be different, that much I can tell you.

1.) Fucking read:
This is probably the hardest way, but achievable if you have the right motivation. You’ll start by going into the John C. Hitt Library and finding a comfy place to spend the next ten years. Then, you’ll want to read: The Essays of Francis Bacon; The Critique of Pure Reason by Kant; The Republic, Laws, and Ethics by Plato; A Discourse of a Method for the Well Guiding of Reason and the Discovery of Truth in the Sciences by Descartes; anything by Voltaire, Schopenhauer, Darwin, Nietzsche; some Hume and a little Hegel; definitely some Spinoza (what kind of person would you be if you didn’t read Spinoza, good God); some Spencer if your brain isn’t fried by now; and possibly some Aristotle. Realistically, you’ll probably be catatonic from the mind-blistering level of transcendence you’ve reached by the time you’ve digested the first word of Descartes (third on the list).


Know anyone at one of these schools?

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University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
Texas A&M Corpus Christi — $100 bounty!
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Penn State — $100 bounty!
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SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!

Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $$$$ if they’re hired! 

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