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How to Cram for an Exam in 30 Minutes After Your Worthless Self Forgot About It

So you procrastinated too much, and now you’re in a jam. Most of the time you feel like you’re really on top of things, like you can really juggling school, work, and a social life no problemo. But then that horrifying moment comes when you remember that you have an exam–only thirty minutes beforehand. Don’t freak out yet, because here’s 7 steps to follow in order to get a useful study sesh in under half an hour.

Step 1:

Ugly cry like Kim Kardashian. You only have thirty minutes to do this though, since you have to put aside at least an hour to look for parking before class. With this realization you must use your time sparingly. Just start fucking sobbing uncontrollably. But if you want to get to the studying, you must only cry for five minutes, max.

Step 2:

Cautiously pry that textbook open. Beware of flying dust particles as you do. This task should only last five to ten minutes. Try your best to skim the words that make no sense to you.

Step 3:

While skimming, get distracted by the limited pictures in the book. Start to drift off into thinking about what you’re doing after your exam, or if you should have Taco Bell for the fourth night in a row. Then come to the realization that the words still make absolutely no sense.

Step 4:

After reading the second paragraph, close the damn book. Now think about all the times your professor told you not to cram before the exam. Take five minutes to think of all the jobs you can apply for that don’t require a college degree. You have an extra two minutes to just sit there and stare at the closed book.

Step 5:

Open the book again and convince yourself that you really need to get your shit together and finish reading the first page. Let’s face it; if you read the first page, a random page in the middle, and the last page, you should get all the essential information you’ll need for the exam, right? After failing to do this, sob again, but this time controllably. You don’t want to ruin your rented textbook and have to pay more money you don’t have for the damages.

Step 6:

Acceptance is the 6th step to recover from this. Failing this exam is inevitable. You did this to yourself, now you must face your last resort. Go find a nice, scorching sidewalk to lay across, and wait for a golf cart to run you over. The best and busiest sidewalks are by the RWC and in front of the Union. Lay there and think of how easy it would’ve been to just study instead of doing this.

Step 7:

If you survive getting run over, then you have no other choice: go fail that exam with pride. Walk into your classroom, tire-marked clothes and all. Ask the weird guy next to you to borrow a pencil since you didn’t bring one because you didn’t think you’d actually be taking an exam today. Mark the answers in a nice pattern that looks like an “F” and get the hell out of there. Own your failure and take a nice picture with your test to send to your mom to show how well college is going.

Remember, when this happens to you, do not panic. That is not one of the steps included. If you followed these steps and still failed, maybe you should just drop out. Or hope that your professor will drop your lowest test grade. If you ever find yourself in this situation again, (you probably will) you now know the best steps to take and maybe you’ll have better luck next time!


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