The age old T-Bell question—are the shits I’m about to encounter worth this Cheesy Gordita Crunch?—has now gotten even more difficult because a Taco Bell Cantina opened next to campus. Now serving alcohol, Taco Bell Cantina has become the ultimate college eatery. The next two weeks of meals are accounted for, but that also means you’ll be spending time holding down the porcelain throne. Here are five essential items to keeping your mind off of (and prepare for) those post-Taco Bell Cantina shits.
Whats worse than waking up with explosive diarrhea? Waking up with explosive diarrhea and being hungover from drinking too many Corona drafts with lime. Every morning before you hit the head, choke down some pickle juice to counteract that hangover. Taco Bell poops mixed with hangover poops are no joking matter, even for us.
4.) Toilet paper:
Have your hands ever been so filthy you’re afraid to touch anything and not a single napkin in sight? Imagine the napkins are your toilet paper stock, and your hands are the remnants of your sphincter after five days of Mexican Pizzas and Baja Blast-flavored margaritas. Do yourself a favor and buy a few weeks worth, and don’t skimp on the ply.
3.) Alaskan Thunder Fuck:
When the thought of leaving your bathroom scares you more than failing every single class, you’ll need entertainment. Nothing takes your mind of debilitating diarrhea while simultaneously making you want to devour crunchy tacos like marijuana. Bonus: it’s also a bit of a laxative, so it should speed up the process a bit.
2.) Phone charger:
Back in the days before smartphones and incognito tabs, people had to read when they were taking care of business. Thankfully, we don’t have this problem, and can use this time to catch up on Twitter beef and Instagram selfies. It’s easy to forget to check battery levels when your worried about soiling your favorite joggers. Do yourself a favor and keep a spare charger in the bathroom.
1.) A book of matches:
This one is for the sake of your roommates or anyone within a 500-yard radius, really. Everyone likes the smell of their own brand, but your loved ones certainly don’t. On your way out just make sure to light a match, at least your friends won’t have a complete idea of how disgusting you really are.
By no means should you not go and experience the greatness that is the Taco Bell Cantina. However, when you inevitably stagger home on one of the new rental bikes from campus keep this list in mind. You’ll have a better next day, and you’ll be able to get right back up on that T-Bell fueled horse.
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